Best Year Ever
by Wensleydale Cheddar
Summary: South Park Aargh - Episode 1717. When the kids finally enter 5th grade, they believe that finally their wildest dreams will come true. Butters wants friends, Fiona to earn money, Wendy a friendly principal, Kenny to get laid, Cartman for everyone to respect his authority and Kyle to finally have a normal school curriculum. However, Stan is skeptical of his friends' expectations.
1. In the Fifth Grade

_**SOUTH PARK AARGH IS OFFICIALLY BACK! (Sorry for the absence!)**_

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here, those who read the announcement on either my or John's forum (you can find links to both on my profile here) probably already know this, but I'm gonna take a break from releasing fics in proper chronological order. Well, a small break. I'm just going to release this one, which is the Season 17 finale, fitting as we now move right into Season 18 next month. I'm writing this waaay ahead of time, so I don't know if I manage to write and upload seven chapters in time before the premiere, but I'll do my best!**_

_**This is the episode I always wanted to write, ever since I joined the fandom. As some of you probably noticed, the title references MLP:FiM's episode "Best Night Ever", and indeed, I'd like to inform you that there will be three MLP knockoffs among the episodes of South Park Aargh, but I assure you that all three are going to have a wee twist that will make the reading experience worth your while. At least I hope you'll feel that way.**_

_**So, without further ado, let's dig into episode 1817, "Best Year Ever" and see how the kids manage to deal with their daily lives… in the FIFTH GRADE!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The episode begins in the morning, with an outside view of Bebe's house. We cut to an inside view of her room and we see her sleeping comfortably in bed. The alarm clock rings, but only for a second. It is quickly stopped by Bebe's hand that springs from under her blanket while the rest of her body remains in place. Afer that, we see a shot of a determined look on her face, barely visible under the mentioned blanket]<em>

**BEBE**: …It's time.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Token's bedroom where he makes the same motion at Bebe, but doesn't bother to look at his alarm clock and instead glances at his expensive wrist watch and smiles in a determined way]<em>

**TOKEN**: …It's time.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Kevin and Esther's bedroom and see them exchange looks while still in bed]<em>

**KEVIN AND ESTHER**: _[simultaneously]_ It's time.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Jimmy's bedroom]<em>

**JIMMY**: It's t-t-tah…

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Clyde slowly getting out of bed, still sleepy. As he stands up in his pajamas, we see that he's a lot taller, resembling 5<em>_th__ graders from "T.M.I." in height]_

**CLYDE**: _[exhausted] _It's time…

* * *

><p><em>[We cut back to Bebe's bedroom, where we notice she is also taller. We see her in pajamas, opening a small wardrobe and picking out her regular clothes. Then, she opens a gigantic wardrobe and we see nothing but shoes stashed in it, some falling down next to Bebe. She picks a pair and suddenly her phone rings. She answers it promptly and we cut to Wendy's room where we see her already in formal attire, packing clothes]<em>

**WENDY**: It's time, Bebe!

**BEBE'S VOICE**: I know it's time!

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman's kitchen where we see him fatter than ever (except in Weight Gain 2000), eating his Corn Flakes in a hurry]<em>

**CARTMAN**: _[with Corn Flakes in his mouth] _Faster, meeehm! It's tahm!

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to outside Heidi's room, where we see Powder strangely sleeping like a dog on the floor. Heidi walks outside and nudges Sally with her foot]<em>

**HEIDI**: It's time!

**POWDER**: It's time?

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Tweek running around in his room, panicking]<em>

**TWEEK**: OH, SWEET JESUS, IT'S TIME! AARGH!

* * *

><p><em>[Kyle's bathroom]<em>

**KYLE**: It's time!

* * *

><p><em>[Back to Jimmy's room]<em>

**JIMMY**: Tah-ta-taaaah…

* * *

><p><em>[Annie's room]<em>

**ANNIE**: It's… time…

* * *

><p><em>[Red's living room]<em>

**RED**: It's time!

* * *

><p><em>[Timmy's living room]<em>

**TIMMY**: Timmeh!

* * *

><p><em>[Kenny putting his shoes on]<em>

**KENNY**: (Woohoo!)

* * *

><p><em>[Linkara's room from Atop the Fourth Wall. We see Linkara looking at his pocket watch]<em>

**LINKARA**: Say… It's Miller time!

* * *

><p><em>[Milly's room]<em>

**MILLY**: It's tahm!

* * *

><p><em>[Again, back to Jimmy's room]<em>

**JIMMY**: Tah-tah-tah… Timing! No, wh-wait…

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the Stotches' drawing room, where we see Stephen and Linda sitting on a couch, while Butters runs out of the house in a dorky formal sweater and tie]<em>

**BUTTERS**: Oh, boy, oh boy, it's time! Bye mom, bye dad!

_[Butters shuts the door and disappears. His parents, sitting on the couch, glance at the front door in silence]_

**LINDA**: Time for… what exactly? Butters is often optimistic, but it's unusual for him to be _that _happy about school starting.

**STEPHEN**: Oh, Linda, don't you know? Our boy is finally entering fifth grade! It's a big day for a young man like him! In fact, I can't think of a kid who wouldn't be over the moon about this!

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the Marsh residence where we see Stan calmly walking outside in his own blue suit, his one hand in his pocket and another used to take a sip of booze from his new flask. He is also taller and we see strands of his black hair coming out of his hat. We cut to him seeing no-one at the bus stop]<em>

**STAN**: Huh. I guess I could walk to school.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Stan entering the school. The hallway is filled with excited 5<em>_th__ graders. Stan approaches his usual group of friends, joint by Wendy, Bebe and Fiona]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, howdy there, Stan! Aren't you excited?

**STAN**: For what?

**BEBE**: Fifth grade, of course! Are you dumb? This is gonna change everything!

**STAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Sure, whatever.

**WENDY**: Bebe's right, Stan. Fifth grade isn't gonna be like any other year!

**FIONA**: Aye! Thes is th' year in which everythin' changes!

**STAN**: _[folds his arms skeptically] _How exactly?

**BEBE**: Well, Kenny might start raping everybody he sees and be determined to destroy your relationship with Wendy due to pure jealousy and hedonism, Wendy might get gang-banged and miscarry your baby, though the latter would only turn out to be your dream sequence, and Garrison might only teach us about Breaking Bad, which would become boring very quickly for non-fans. _[A moment of silence]_ …Well, just sayin', that might happen.

**CARTMAN**: Nyeh, probably not, Garrison's not gonna teach us anymore.

**STAN**: …That's the issue you're having with what she said?

**KENNY**: (Yeah… And people say I have a sick mind…)

**STAN**: Look, there isn't gonna be any goddamn soap opera around her just because we're a year older, this is just ridiculous!

**KYLE**: Stan's right! Let's focus on the positives! This year is gonna be great!

**STAN**: That's not what I meant!

**KYLE**: _[not listening to him anymore] _Dude, I can't believe we're finally here.

**CARTMAN**: Yeah, when you think about it, fourth grade lasted, like, forever!

**WENDY**: Well, you'd better believe it, you guys, it's true! We're finally in the fifth grade.

**CARTMAN**: Can you imagine how awesome it will be, finally being fifth graders? I waited for this moment all my life, you guys!

**BUTTERS**: _[rubs his hands together] _Oh, boy, oh, boy, I can't wait to finally be one of the cool kids!

**JIMMY**: Yeah, f-fellas, I have a feeling fifth grade will be just f… f-f… fa-fah… f-fantastic!

**STAN**: _[skeptically] _You guys, maybe you shouldn't have such high expectations of this, you can't possibly know what fifth grade will be like.

**CARTMAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Oh, there he goes again… Stop being such a negative wuss, Stan, it will be great if you just have the right attitude!

**KYLE**: Cartman's right for once, Stan. Come on, you guys, With all that we've imagined, the reality of this year is sure to make this... The best year ever!

_[The music goes louder as the instrumental version of MLP:FiM's "At The Gala" song begins playing. As each one of the kids sings about their dream, the camera focuses on them, after which a visualization of every dream follows]_

_**KYLE: **__In the fifth grade!_

_**CHOIR: **__In the fifth grade!_

_**BUTTERS:  
><strong>__In the fifth grade, all the fellas,  
>Will accept me as one of them!<br>Finally, I'll be popular,  
>In the fifth grade!<em>

_**CHOIR: **__In the fifth grade!_

_**BUTTERS:  
><strong>__Everybody's gonna like me,  
>I'll be the school's lil' gem!<br>We'll become good friends forever,  
>This year in the fifth grade!<em>

_**CHOIR: **__Our dreams will come true,  
>Right here in the fifth grade!<br>Blowjob, Blowjob!_

_**FIONA:  
><strong>__In th' fifth grade, Ah will earn it,  
>Aye, th' fortune o' me dreams!<em>

_**STAN: **__Fiona, stop it!_

_**FIONA:**__  
>All the money that is waitin',<br>Richt thare every day fer me!_

_**CHOIR: **__Mary Sue!_

_**FIONA:**__  
>An' A'll make me clan, McTeagle,<br>Bleedin' proud o' me!_

_**CHOIR:  
><strong>__All our dreams and blowjobs,  
>from now until hereafter,<br>__All that we've been wishing for  
>will happen in the fifth grade! Blowjob, Blowjob!<em>

_**WENDY:  
><strong>__In the fifth grade I will meet him,  
>The new principal, Stan Lee,<br>Full of liberal ideas in the fifth grade!_

_**CHOIR: **__In the fifth grade!_

_**WENDY:  
><strong>__He'll be clever, open-minded,  
>And make me his deputy,<br>He will treat me like an equal,  
>Finally in the fifth grade!<em>

_**CHOIR:  
><strong>__This is what we've waited for,  
>To have the best year ever!<br>Each of us will get blowjobs,  
>This year in the fifth grade, in the fifth grade!<em>

_**KENNY: **_[muffled]  
><em>(I've been dreamin', I've been waitin',<br>To fondle those great boobies,  
>Victoria, Pearl, the sixth grade chicks,<br>I'm gonna touch their brilliant tits!_

_I've never seen any dragons,  
>I'm allergic to almonds!<br>I'll get a girlfriend and get laid…  
>In the fifth grade!)<em>

_**CHOIR:  
><strong>__All we've longed, for all we've dreamed,  
>Our happy ever-blowjob!<br>Finally we'll blowjob blowjob,  
>Here in the blowjob!<em>

_**TIMMY: **__Timmeh, Timmah!_

_**CARTMAN:  
><strong>__I am hyah in the fifth grade,  
>All my dreams are coming true!<br>I'll get rid of all the hippies  
>And of Kahl, that stinkin' Jew!<em>

_For I am the chosen leader,  
>I will finally rule the skewl!<br>Hippies burning, Jews dying!  
>Right hyah in the fifth grade!<em>

_**CHOIR: **__Happiness and blowjobs in the fifth grade,__in the fifth grade!_

_**KYLE: **__  
>In the fifth grade, with the teacher,<br>Is where I'm going to be!  
>I will finally learn something,<br>Not related with TV!  
>Garrison doesn't teach us,<br>That fills me with glee!_

_**CHOIR: **__This will be the best year ever!_

_Into the fifth grade we shall go,  
>We're learning what we don't yet know.<br>Into the fifth grade let's go, dudes,  
>And have the best year ever.<br>Into the fifth grade, now's the time,  
>We're ready and we feel just fine.<em>

_**CHOIR + KYLE + BUTTERS: **__Into the fifth grade!_

_**BUTTERS: **__Make new friends!_

_**CHOIR + FIONA: **__Into the fifth grade!_

_**FIONA: **__Earn a fortune!_

_**CHOIR + CARTMAN: **__Into the fifth grade!_

_**CARTMAN: **__Rule the skewl!_

_**CHOIR + WENDY: **__Meet the principal!_

_**KENNY: **__(Fondle titties!)_

_**BUTTERS: **__To make!  
><em>_**FIONA:**__ Tae earn!  
><em>_**WENDY: **__To meet!  
><em>_**KENNY: **__(To grope!)  
><em>_**CARTMAN:**__ To rule!  
><em>_**KYLE: **__To learn!_

_**CHOIR:  
><strong>__Into the fifth grade! Into the fifth grade!  
>And we'll have the best year ever!<em>

_Blowjob, blowjob!_

**STAN**: …Goddamnit, you guys.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Oh, yeah, I'm forging a whole new continuity starting with Season 18! Messin' with our old pal Status Quo big time! Ballsy move, ain't it? Yes, you should all praise my bravery in songs! Wensleydale Cheddar is going where no fanfiction author except a bazillion others has gone before!<strong>_

…_**Anyway, thanks a lot for reading and reviewing my stuff and I hope you guys continue to do that in the future. I'll thank you properly in the author's note for the Season 9 premiere, because I wrote that before going into this. There's also an apology for being late with my updates there. I should probably at least try to copy and paste it here, but for one, I'm too lazy for that and the other reason is that I'm trying to stick to a "seven pages per chapter" schedule, and that's counting the author's notes, so pasting it here would bother my mild OCD.**_

_**On a side note, I don't know if you go to school in formal attire at the beginning of the school year in the US, but that's definitely the case in Poland. If I'm mistaken when it comes to Colorado, I didn't do my research and I sincerely **__**apologise**__**.**_

_**Tune in next week or earlier for the next chapter and please leave reviews! I hope you liked the song!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	2. Ducktits (Woo-hoo!)

_**Hey guys, Wensleydale here. With all the scenes I had to include last for either comedic effect or just because of me wanting to incorporate most of the class into the first chapter, I couldn't manage to put in the opening credits, so I'm posting them here. There will be a different opening theme every season starting from the ninth, so the seventeenth is no exception. I was thinking I'd parody or reference openings of other cartoons. This one is based on the Ducktales theme.**_

_**Oh, and just for the record, I'm dropping the production order. It's not so complicated, but I saw some people reviewed Bloody Kleptomania before reading The Other Fourth Grade and I'd like to ease the general confusion by Now TOFG is episode #2 and Bloody Kleptomania episode #3. For now, the chronological (plot-wise) order is the right one you're looking for.**_

_**Now I am worrying if there's really enough material to make BYE into a full seven-chapter episode, even with six plots intertwining. Each character's scenes are very short and their conflicts kinda-sorta easily solvable… Well, at least there'll be time for the characters to be characters and talk to each other. Some call it padding, I call it background character expansion. With this said, do you guys want this story to be seven chapters long, as the new schedule would suggest? Or should I release less content, but more relevant to the story?**_

_**Oh, and thank you all for your reviews. I sincerely wasn't expecting this much attention after my comeback. I'm sorry I haven't responded, but I decided I'd like to try doing it over here.**_

_**One of the common questions was about Stan Lee… Yeah, the name is intentional, but… you'll see what I do with it. Also, thanks for the advice on clothing, I screwed up, but what's done is done. I could probably use your excuse, John, since fifth grade is so super-special-awesome!**_

_** Coyote: You kinda misunderstood me. I was going to release the whole thing BEFORE the season premiere. However, now I haven't got a lot of time left and I like to have a little space between the updates, so I'm going to release it every five days or so. When we get to Season 9, I'm going to update weekly.  
>Of course they're happy! I mean, they're in fifth grade!<br>I was afraid you'd be pretty pissed about Bebe's reference. I'm glad I was wrong!  
>Was this buddy of yours also your guy, friend?<strong>_

_** John: Yeah, Ama… I'm imagining Stan at the end of the chapter going like "Pony pandering? Seriously? Sooo low, dude."  
>That's kind of a given, since I'm the new you. I wish I had your ability to write the McCormicks.<strong>_

_** Datgirl, Rhi Rhi, Guest, Floyd: Thank you all, I'm glad you liked it… Wait, someone prayed for me?**_

* * *

><p><em>[The instrumental version to the Ducktales theme song starts playing while we see random scenes from South Park Aargh's previous episodes]<em>

_**STAN:  
><strong>__Life is like a hurricane  
>Here in South Park.<em>

_**CARTMAN:**__  
>Mary Sues with crazy names<br>It's a story arc!_

_**KYLE:**__  
>We're being meta!<br>That makes us better,_

_**CHORUS:**__  
>South Park! (Aah-aargh!)<em>

_**KYLE:**__  
>Humble folks without temptation!<em>

_**CHORUS:  
><strong>__South Park! (Aah-aargh!)_

_**STAN:**__  
>People spouting howdy neighbor!<em>

_**CHORUS:  
><strong>__South Park!_

_**CARTMAN:**__  
>D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you!<br>There's a slash fan out to find you!  
>What to do? Just click and read some<em>

_**CHORUS:**__  
>Gen fics! (Aah-aargh!)<br>__**KENNY:**__  
>(I like girls with big fat titties!)<em>

_**CHORUS:**__  
>South Park! (Aah-aargh!)<em>

_**KENNY:**__  
>(I like girls with deep vaginas!)<em>

_**CHORUS:**__  
>South Park! (Aah-aargh!)<em>

_**KENNY:  
><strong>__(I have no new lines in this intro!)_

_**CHORUS:**__  
>South Park! (Aah-aargh!)<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>[South Park Aargh – Episode 1717. Best Year Ever]<strong>_

_[The school hallway. We see Cartman and Butters walking down the corridor, almost passing Jimmy]_

**JIMMY**: Hello, f-fellas. Why aren't you c-ca-cah… coming to class? The new p-peh… principal is going to give a speech in about t-ten minutes.

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, Eric insisted we went somewhere, s-so…

**JIMMY**: W-well, you'd better be quick, b-because the it's about to start very much. _[walks inside the gym]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, Eric, I was meanin' to ask… But what exactly are we doing?

**CARTMAN**: Look, Butters, it's quite simple! This is a new school year, right?

**BUTTERS**: Uh… right!

**CARTMAN**: So we'll have a bunch of new students, right?

**BUTTERS**: Right!

**CARTMAN**: So, it's our duty to take care of them!

**BUTTERS**: Uh… Eric, you mean we should kill them?

**CARTMAN**: …The fuck? No! Seriously, who the fuck gives you these ideas, asswipe?! I meant actually take care of them! This is basic manipulation! Now, follow me with this! First graders are dumb as shit. Kinda like you, Butters.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, that wasn't very nice-

**CARTMAN**: So, if we're friendly to them, they'll do anything we want! Now that I'm old enough, I can finally have mah own private army! This is gonna be sweet, Butters! So, what do you say?!

**BUTTERS**: W-well, Eric, that's all very swell an' all… But gee, first graders aren't gonna make us popular, are they? We should try to hang out with the cool kids!

**CARTMAN**: …The fuck do you mean?

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, I heard there are some transfer students this year in the 5th grade… W-we should try to make friends with them!

**CARTMAN**: …Butters, why are you so fuckin' stupid? If you're a dork, you're always gonna be a dork, no matter who you hang out with! Instead of sucking up to some new kids, why don't you try to make something of yourself and become the cool kid, GOD-DAMNIT!?

**BUTTERS**: _[offended] _Well, maybe I am goin' to try and make something of myself, Eric! Maybe the new kids aren't gonna call me a stupid dork, and, uh, respect me!

**CARTMAN**: Oh, please, the idea that even one person is going to respect you sounds like a fuckin' fairy tale, asshole!

**BUTTERS**: Goshdarnit, I've had it with you, Eric! Every single time you put me through one of your schemes, I get nothin' but sufferin' and disrespect! Well, not anymore! I'm gonna go out and make some new friends! _[walks away]_

**CARTMAN**: Well, be that way, asshole! That's fine! THAT'S FINE! Let's see what you say when I get mah army and authoritah!

_[Eric walks away in the other direction. After a second, the heads of Red and Annie appear from behind the door]_

**RED**: See? I told you they were gonna split up!

**ANNIE**: Aww… That's a… _[pause] _…shame.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to a close-up of the cover of a notebook. It features a baseball player and is signed "K. Broflovski"]<em>

**STAN'S VOICE**: Kyle! Kyle, I'm talking to you! KYLE!

_[We see Kyle reading the notebook in the 5__th__ grade classroom, Stan sitting right next to him]_

**KYLE**: _[flinches and raises his eyes] _Huh?

**STAN**: Dude, why are you reading this stuff? Nobody's gonna care what Garrison taught us, because he didn't teach us jack.

**KYLE**: Duh, this isn't from Garrison's lessons. I had to make my own notes from the proper school curriculum.

**STAN**: Huh?

**KYLE**: Basically I found out through the Cotswolds about what 4th graders are supposed to learn and just went through it myself. Mark's still pissed at me for some reason, but fortunately he helped me with that.

**STAN**: _[picks up the notebook and looks at it] _You did this all on your own? While still adventuring with us, playing Warcraft and all that?

**KYLE**: _[smirks] _Hey, fourth grade lasted for quite some time, in case you haven't noticed.

**STAN**: _[also smirks] _I don't know whether to call you super-smart… or incredibly dumb.

**KYLE**: _[punches him playfully] _Dick.

**STAN**: But in all seriousness, dude… Why are you doing this now?

**KYLE**: Well, since we're gonna have a new teacher, I want to make sure I'll still be considered the best student in class. During the first few minutes we're gonna make an impression on them, so I wanted to make a good one. This way, they'll cut me some slack later this year. Besides, this is fifth grade. Somehow, I've got a feeling it's gonna change everything.

**STAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Goddamnit, why is it that everyone thinks fifth grade is so special? Nothing interesting's gonna change!

**FIONA**: _[walking by and approaching the two boys] _Still nae convinced this is gonnae be a guid year, Stan? Well, A've got a surprise fer ye, something's gonnae change! …Ah decided tae quit stealin'!

**STAN**: _[lowers his eyelids] _Sure you did.

**FIONA**: Ah mean it! Ah decided frae now on, Aa'm gonna live me life as an honest lass!

**KYLE**: And how do you plan to accomplish that?

**FIONA**: Simple! Aa'm gonnae tak' over th' newspaper stand! A'm finally gonnae hae an earnest job!

**STAN**: _[sighs]_ Look, Fiona, it's cool that you're trying to stop your addiction, but don't do it to prove me wrong. Your change, even if it is real, has nothing to do with the fact that we're in the fifth grade. I mean, last year there weren't any grand changes, nor two years ago. Why should this one be different?

**FIONA**: Really? Ah dornae remember any change... nae happenin'.

**KYLE**: You weren't with us back then! …And even if you were, this wouldn't make any nick of sense!

**FIONA**: Sae basically... Ye dorn't want me tae stop stealin'?

**STAN**: I don't care.

**KYLE**: I do! But what's that got to do with anything?

**FIONA**: Naethin', Ah just thooght Ah wouldnae hae yer blessin'.

**KYLE**: You… need our permission for working for a school newspaper?

**FIONA**: Ah just thooght ye lads woold think o' it as... Sue-like. Or stuff.

_[There is a moment of silence. Stan raises an eyebrow]_

**STAN**: Uh-huh. Perfect evidence that nothing's gonna change. Fione's gonna keep talking about Sues, Butters is gonna go on being a pussy, Kyle and Cartman are gonna keep arguing and what class we're in isn't gonna influence anything.

_[Stan walks out of the classroom. Kyle and Fiona follow him with their eyes]_

**FIONA**: Why duz he keep walkin' away when we're talkin' tae him?

_[Kyle frowns at her and follows Stan in silence]_

**FIONA**: _[disappointedly] _… Aww…

* * *

><p><em>[The school hallway again. We see Kenny leaving the bathroom when he notices something that astonishes him. The camera revolves around his surprised face and we see him oogling some girls' cleavages]<em>

**KENNY**: _[to himself]_ (Holy shit… They developed even more than I expected!)

_[While Kenny talks, the camera cuts to each of the mentioned girls and follows them for a second]_

**KENNY**: _[to himself]_ (Half an inch more… An inch… Oh, yeah… Inch and a quarter… Inch and a half… Oh, god, look, nearly two inches! This is just incredible! Woohoo!)

_[We cut to two sixth grade girls whispering to each other while glancing at Kenny]_

**GIRL 1**: Why is that kid talking to himself?

**GIRL 2**: I dunno… Maybe he had a psychotic episode. Just ignore him.

_[Back to Kenny]_

**KENNY**: (Just you wait, future D-cups! I will get my hands on you soon enough! It won't be long until you come to daddy!)

_[There is a moment of silence. Kenny stops]_

**KENNY**: Oh, God, can't hold it in any longer!

_[Kenny runs off to the bathroom, stumbling upon Wendy and Bebe in the process]_

**WENDY**: Ah, Kenny. I wanted to talk to you about-

**KENNY**: _[interrupting her]_ (Not now! Need to jack off! Right now!)

_[He slams the bathroom door in their faces. There is a moment of silence]_

**WENDY**: …Charming.

**BEBE**: Don't worry. Everything's gonna change, you won't need HIS signature.

**WENDY**: _[smiles] _As long as people support me, I don't really care if they're perverts, Bebe. I need to secure my position.

_[They see Stan walking out of the classroom]_

**BEBE**: Oh, hey, Stan! Sign Wendy's petition, will you?

**STAN**: _[points at the sheet of paper] _What's this?

**WENDY**: I'm going to run again as a candidate for the Student Body Council President. I need to show the new principal I have the continuous support of the students.

**STAN**: Finally someone that doesn't blindly believe in change!

**BEBE**: How so?

**STAN**: Well, you know, like Wendy was the president last year.

**BEBE**: Yeah?

**STAN**: And she's running this year, too?

**BEBE**: …Oh. Maybe I shouldn't vote for you, after all… _[Wendy glares at her]_

**STAN**: Anyway, sure, I'll sign it. So, how's the new principal?

**WENDY**: Oh, I haven't met him yet, but I heard only good things about him from my mom.

**STAN**: Your mom knows the guy?

**WENDY**: Yeah, apparently, he taught her art at her old school. He moved on to being a principal in Middle Park and introduced some decent reforms there.

**BRADLEY**: _[approaching the three kids] _Is it true his name is Stan Lee?

**WENDY**: Yeah, that's right.

**BRADLEY**: Like former chief editor of Marvel Stan Lee?

**WENDY**: I don't think so, why?

**BRADLEY**: Oh. Well, that's disappointing. I've been pitching him my script for the Mintberry Crunch comic for a while now, but he never answered my mail… I wanted to ask him about it now… Oh, well. Shablagoo, everyone! _[runs off]_

**STAN**: _[sighs] _That guy never ceases to amaze me…

_[Meanwhile, Kenny comes back from the bathroom, content]_

**KENNY**: (What did you want from me? Oh, right.)

_[Without a second thought, he grabs the petition, signs it and hands it back to Wendy. She sniffs it and expresses disgust]_

**WENDY**: _[trying to remain composed] _…I'll get a clean copy.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Actually, while writing this chapter, I decided I prefer more content with less relevance. This way, my writing style isn't restricted and the conversations can feel natural, not forced. Well, at least that's how I see it, my opinion may be biased. However, I'm trying to gradually improve my storytelling ability, so I'd still like to see your opinions on how this chapter turned out.<strong>_

_**Like Wendy, I'd like to thank you for your continued support. It's thanks to you guys that I can find energy to write my silly little stories about South Park and I hope you can continue reading it until the very last one.**_

_**Okay, but I need to stop writing this and go help my friend with the Ice Bucket Challenge, so until the next chapter, please read and review!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	3. Daffodils and Cameos

_**Howdy ho, Wensleydale here. Thanks a lot for your reviews and constant support, it's greatly appreciated. I never had 17 in 2 chapters before, I'm eternally grateful!**_

_**First things first, SPA for no real reason has a facebook page! You can find the link on my profile to check out upcoming fics, new projects and promo images. Also, I reconstructed my forum a bit so that you have easy access to my fics in chronological order!**_

_**Now for the review responses:**_

_** Coyote: I didn't exactly watch Ducktales, but Donald Duck comics were a great part of my childhood. Suddenly this fic is all about comic books…  
>Their plans backfiring? Naaaaah, since when do I include conflict in my fics? *whistles suspiciously*<br>**__"I'm with absolute certainty that if the girls knew what he was doing they would kill Kenny XD"__**  
>Would they? Bastards!<br>**__„Wendy is a better friend than Bebe XD"__**  
>Eeyup. Though I'm pretty sure in this case Bebe was just kidding about not voting for her.<br>**__"Bradley Biggle appeared :D It is rare to him appear at the fics. Thanks, mate :D"  
><em>_**I love writing that guy, though I can't use him that much before Season 14 because of, well, technically spoiling Mintberry Crunch.**_

_** ConnietheCat:  
><strong>__"This ory is great, I haven't read any Arggh stories yet, and now I will!"  
><em>_**I agree, Ori's my second favourite dwarf from The Hobbit! I don't see how that's related to my fic, but oh well… Okay, I know what you mean, I'm glad you liked it!**_

_** Epicpenguin: Thanks for the constructive crit. With this story, it was kind of a given, since the song parody requires six subplots. Normally, I don't do more than four at the same time. I made sure that in this fic there is at least one plot point from each thread per chapter.**_

_** Nwt000: All righty then. Oh, that reminded me… I'm gonna update on Mondays weekly now, then when the fic's over, a weekly break and after that, next fic.**_

_** Rhi Rhi: DuckTales opening is downright awesome, I can never get it out of my head. Thanks!**_

_** IHMSSM: Hey, haven't heard from you for a long time! Yeah, ever since Broadway Bro Down whenever I hear musical numbers I can't help but mumble "blowjob, blowjob" every time. I'm glad I was able to make Bebe and Red funny. Thanks a lot!**_

_** SporztIzLife: Thanks, just wait until Kenny dies and resurrects, you'll see how realistic that is!**_

_** John: Thanks a lot for the advice! I haven't got anything planned for the Cotswolds yet, apart from quick cameos, but maybe I'll think of something, especially when I take a look at 3**__**rd**__**, uh, 4**__**th**__** grade. Also, grateful for any help with the McCormicks.**_

_** Datgirl, Floyd: Thanks a lot, I'm glad you liked it, and now here's the next chapter – enjoy!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The school gym. We see all the students gathered. Mr. Mackey quiets down the audience]<em>

**MR. MACKEY**: Now kids, I want you all to settle down, m'kay? I would like you all to welcome the new p- _[notices something] _Oh, God...

_[We see the former principal Victoria stagger to the microphone, drunk heavily]_

**VICTORIA**: That's right, st... students! You all... you all welcome the new prinshipal, and I hope you feel very proud of yourselves, because it's thanks to your shitty parents that I have been voted off the board!

**KELLY GARDNER**: _[taking a picture on her phone] _I am sooo tweeting that one.

**VICTORIA**: Well, I say good riddance! Now you can deal with stuff like arshhon, food poisoning or... or... Cartman! I'm done and over with it! ...Hic!

_[Mr. Mackey takes over the microphone again while Mr. Garrison escorts Victoria off the stage]_

**MACKEY**: M'kay... Thank you for that enlightening performance, Mrs. Victoria. And now for our guest of honor, principal Lee!

_[Some kind of announcing music starts playing. An about 40-year-old red-haired man with a moustache and in a military uniform and no glasses. He looks more like Graham Chapman's colonel from Monty Python's Flying Circus than actual Stan Lee]_

**STAN LEE**: Greetings, students.

**LEEROY**: Holy crap, it actually is Stan Lee!

**BRADLEY**: It's Stan the man!

**STAN LEE**: Now stop that! Stop that! I'm getting that everywhere! I am not the former chief editor of Marvel Stan Lee, I am someone completely different!

**KEVIN**: Are you gonna adapt the rest of the Star Trek movies into comics?

**BRADLEY**: Do your "excelsior" thingy!

**STAN LEE**: Stop it! This is getting too silly! No-one appreciates a good laugh more than I do… Well, except for my wife… And some of her friends. Oh yes, and Rob Liefeld…

**BRADLEY**: You mean Rob Liefeld from Image Comics?

**STAN LEE**: No! A completely different Rob Liefeld! I warn you not to get silly again! Now, let's get back to business, shall we? As the new principal, I want to assure you that no good deed will go unrewarded and no misbehavior unpunished! Now, my policy towards…

_[While the principal continues his speech, we cut to the crowd of kids listening to him in silence. Suddenly, a 5__th__ grade girl squeaks. Then another, sitting a few rows behind her. Then another few girls, until we see an orange and sky blue blur sweeping between the kids, unnoticed]_

**GIRL 1**: Ow!

**GIRL 2**: Ow!

**GIRL 3**: Ouch!

**GIRL 4**: Ow!

_[Finally, the camera stops following the blur as it focuses on Kelly Rutherford who after being encountered by the mysterious blur also squeaks in pain]_

**KELLY RUHERFORD**: Ow!

**KELLY** **PINKERTON**: _[sitting right next to her]_ What's the matter, Kelly?

**RUHERFORD**: I think someone just… felt up my boobs real quick.

**PINKERTON**: You must be imagining stuff. No way someone would be able to do it unnoticed here.

**RUHERFORD**: I guess you're right…

_[We cut to Kenny chuckling in the corner, holding his hands up]_

**KENNY**: (The texture is perfectly soft and squishy… The nipples harden like little raspberries… This is fuckin' paradise! Woohoo!)

_[The camera pans over to Butters, who observes a group of kids]_

**BUTTERS**: _[whispers to himself] _All right, Butters, you have never seen these fellas before! Now go to them and start makin' some friends!

_[He sits down next to a brown-haired kid with glasses]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hey there! You're new, aren't ya? I haven't see you before! My name's Butters!

**KID**: _[enthusiastically] _I'm John, John Vanson! I moved here recently! Hey, I was just wondering if there were someone who would show me around and junk! Can you do that?

**BUTTERS**: _[a bit surprised] _Uh… Yeah! Yeah, gee, I'd be more than happy to!

**VANSON**: All right! I've got a feeling we're gonna be bestest of friends!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah! _[to himself] _…Wow, that was a lot easier than I thought!

_[We cut to Fiona sitting down next to Dougie, now as tall as the boys as they were in third grade]_

**FIONA**: Awrite, Doogie. Yoo're in charge o' th' school newspaper, reit?

**DOUGIE**: Yeah. Are you thinking of joining the club?

**FIONA**: Aye. Ye willin' tae tak' me in?

**DOUGIE**: Well, that depends… Although don't have a lot of employees, we're looking for dedicated people. Do you have anything against working all day and night?

**FIONA**: Dorn't we hae school only in th' mornin' till efternuin?

**DOUGIE**: Figure of speech.

**FIONA**: Oh. Whit's 'at mean?

**DOUGIE**: I dunno. My dad says that sometimes.

**FIONA**: Oh. Well, Ah dorn't see how nicht shifts micht attract mair clients, but A'll dae me best. How much d'ye pay?

**DOUGIE**: We don't have a fixed amount. We pay 30% of the amount earned by the salesmen… Why would you even be int-

**FIONA**: Aw reit, lad! Let's strike up a real bargain! As an invaluable assit tae yer newspaper A'll join yer club fer 70% o' its total income. How abit 'at?

**DOUGIE**: Uh… 35%.

**FIONA**: 60%.

**DOUGIE**: 40%.

**FIONA**: 50%!

**DOUGIE**: 45%!

**FIONA**: 90%!

**DOUGIE**: Done! …Wait, what?

**FIONA**: Aw reit! _[to herself] _This year is awreddy startin' better than Ah expected!

_[We cut to Stan and Kyle in the audience. Kyle is still concentrating on his books]_

**KYLE**: _[raises his eyes for a second] _Did he mention anything important?

**STAN**: Uh… Who, the principal? Not that I recall, no.

**KYLE**: Okay. Let me know if he does.

_[Kyle goes back to his books. Stan rolls his eyes. We then cut to Cartman sitting down right beside the new first graders]_

**CARTMAN**:_ [sighs, attempting to look saddened, yet determined to the kids looking at him] _So it has come to this… Sometimes I just don't recognize mah skewl anymore!

**FLORA**: What do you mean, mister?

**CARTMAN**: I'm seriously, you guys! You're too young to remember it, but back when Victoria ruled, things in this skewl used to be so fun and special! And now, it will all come to an end!

**IKE**: Oh, no!

**CARTMAN**: Oh yes! This place will become a sanctuary for hippies, J- _[looks at Ike] _Er-hem, liberals and conformists!

**FIRKLE**: I hate conformists…

**FILMORE**: So what can we do?

**CARTMAN**: We have to stay strong, you guys! We must stand united! I am organizing a team that will undoubtedly fight for the truth! There may not be many of us… But we need whatever help we can get. Now who's with me?

**QUAID**: Me!

**IKE**: Fireman!

**CARTMAN**: Awesome! Our mission is not gonna be easy… But you're not gonna regret it! _[to himself] _All right! It's just what I wanted!

_[We cut to Wendy listening to the principal's speech]_

**STAN LEE'S VOICE**: …Now for the upcoming…

**WENDY**: See that, Annie? This is a perfect idealist leader! Serious and stern, yet open to innovations and reforms! He is exactly the way I wanted him to be!

**ANNIE**: I must admit I'm… impressed. He just seems so… _[pause] _…charismatic. Maybe it's the… name. There's something about the name Stan that makes me go all… um… like that time I was watering those… daffodils… and they smelt so… nice.

**WENDY**: _[raises an eyebrow] _…Does it now?

**ANNIE**: Yeah… Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned… that.

**BEBE**: Why? Are daffodils some kind of a metawhore?

**WENDY**: It's metaphore, Bebe.

**BEBE**: So they were?

**ANNIE**: No, I don't think daffodils are… whores. I'm not even sure flowers have a sense of… fidelity.

**WENDY**: That's not the point, Annie!

**LOLA**: _[pops up from offscreen]_ I wouldn't be so sure! Not daffodils, but orchids? They are fucking two-timers!

_[The three girls stare at Lola. There is a moment of silence]_

**WENDY**: …I'm… not even going to answer that.

* * *

><p><em>[The bell rings and we cut to the 5<em>_th__ grade classroom where we see the kids talking to one another while waiting for the teacher to come in. We see Kenny sitting at his desk and browsing his mobile phone]_

**STAN**: _[sits down next to him]_ Hey, dude, what are you doing?

**KENNY**: (Oh, nothing, nothing, just using Photoshop to redraw pics of girls to see what they would look like naked.)

**STAN**: Uh… How can your cell have Photoshop? Last time I checked, it didn't even have a color screen.

**KENNY**: _[angrily] _(Well, it's got one now!)

**STAN**: Come to think of it, your phone doesn't even have a camera. How did you even take those pictures?

**KENNY**: (Shut up!)

**STAN**: You're just playing Space Impact, aren't you?

**KENNY**: (Shut up, Stan! Don't destroy this guy's dreams!) _[points at himself with his thumb]_

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**KENNY**: _[kind of pathetically]_ (Lemme borrow your cell.)

**STAN**: No.

**KENNY**: (Oh, come on, be a friend!)

**STAN**: With all due respect, Kenny, but as soon as you get home, your dad's gonna take it from you and sell it for pot money. I'm not doing it.

**KENNY**: (Wait, just hear me out! I heard Fiona's got the keys to the girls' changing room and I'm sure she'll sell them to us! Imagine what glorious sights we'd be able to see! And with your phone, I can make them last forever!)

**STAN**: …Tempting, but the answer's still no.

**KENNY**: _[sulking] _(Well, that sucks… I'll have to ask Butters…)

**STAN**: _[shrugs] _Do whatever you want, just don't take pictures of Wendy.

**KENNY**: (No problem, man. I wasn't thinking about that, anyway. I kinda hate your girlfriend.)

**STAN**: Good. _[Pauzes] _…Wait, what?

_[Suddenly, Kyle approaches the two and sits down next to them, enthusiastically taking out his notebook from his backpack]_

**KYLE**: Okay, guys! Ready for the first lesson in the fifth grade?

**KENNY**: _[raises an eyebrow] _(Kyle, I can think of no-on but you who would treat the first day in school so seriously.)

**STAN**: Wait, what do you mean you hate Wendy?

**KENNY**: _[ignoring him, still talking to Kyle] _(Dude, just relax, you're gonna worry about studying next year.)

**KYLE**: Oh, hell no, Kenny! I wasted enough time with that asshole Garrison! Now that we'll have a proper teacher, I'm gonna absorb every knowledge I can find!

**KENNY**: (Come on, Kyle, how can you be so sure that the new teacher is gonna be so awesome for you? For all you know, he can be as awful and stupid as-)

**YOUNG WOMAN'S VOICE**: Good morning, class.

_[Kenny turns around and faces the new teacher. The camera cuts to a blonde, beautiful, shapely woman in her late twenties, dressed accordingly to her profession, although Kenny's eyes are drawn especially to her cleavage. As he sees her, Domenico Modugno's "Dios, come ti amo" starts playing in the background, and the screen swaps between shots of the radiant teacher and Kenny in awe of her. Kenny's eyes now have anime-like pupils and both his and her hair is blowing in slow motion in the atmospheric wind that inexplicably appeared inside the classroom]_

**TEACHER**: Hello, class. My name is Miss Fanservice and I will be your teacher this year.

_[The music stops and we see almost all the boys with their mouths wide open]_

**CRAIG**: _[unfazed] _…What a conveniently fourth-wall-breaking name.

**CLYDE**: _[to himself, but loud enough for everyone to hear] _Hel-looooo, nurse…

**KYLE**: _[smirks to Kenny, missing the point] _See, Kenny? Looks professional enough for you? _[The poor boy doesn't respond] _…Uh, Kenny?

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'm so proud I invented the term "metawhore". It would probably mean "prostitute who often breaks the fourth wall". I don't know if daffodils are symbols for anything, though.<strong>_

_**To be frank, I'm not even sure where that Stan Lee thing even came from. I think I needed a name that would rhyme with "deputy" (even thought it technically doesn't, but shhh) for the song and I recently became a fan of Linkara's "Atop the Fourth Wall" review series, so it just came out naturally. I just hope it was so nonsensical, it actually got a few laughs. I think the original principal was supposed to be Mackey's relative or something, I'm not even sure anymore. Then it was supposed to be Stan Lee himself, then someone looking nothing like Stan Lee… But then when I started writing out his lines, he sounded exactly like the serious colonel from Monty Python, so I just decided to make him that… Fanfic production is confusing.**_

_**I don't exactly think Rob Liefeld likes a good laugh more than Stan Lee. Really, if the pinnacle of your sense of humour is the phrase "Yabba dabba doom", you've got a lot to worry about.**_

_**Writing Kenny's plot is sometimes really disturbing, especially when I realise I'm writing about 11-year-old girls's breasts… I need to take a shower after writing every chapter, for crying out loud! I hope it's in character, at least. If not, I'm waiting for your lessons, John!**_

_**John Vanson is the property of JVM-SP150 and South Park Unleashed and John's awesome for letting me use his character! At least I hope he did that, since I am writing this before I asked him. If he doesn't, I'm screwed. Or I'd have to use *gasp* a new OC for Butters's plot! What sorcery would that be?!**_

_**I just realized, those are two really long scenes… I don't know if I had done anything like that before, but a 4-page scene, phew…**_

_**Well, guys, thanks for reading and as always, please leave reviews! Constructive criticism is always welcome!**_

_**Take care,**_

_**WDC**_


	4. Bad Comics Burn

_**Hey guys, Wensleydale here. As always, thanks a ton for your reviews. I think I like posting replies for your questions over here in the author's notes instead of responding individually, so I'm just going to make that a tradition, any objections?**_

_**Have I already said that before? Oh, well. Anyway, responses.**_

_** GEPIPSP: Whoa, then thank you for the little time you had online to see my silly story. How exactly can I put you in my fanfic when I don't even know your name?**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Thanks! Who says Vanson doesn't get any respect? You're referring to him as "mister", that's an accomplishment for a ten-year-old, right? You know, I keep wondering whether "Victoria is her name or surname...**_

_**Coyote:  
><strong>_"Well, someday you would have to make a refrence to your favorite show, wouldn't you? :D"  
><em><strong>Oh, and I will, many times in the future!<br>"**_Also thanks for the references to this old characters :D"_**  
>You mean the Kelly duo? Oh, yeah, not sure how they appeared. I needed some random girls I wouldn't ever develop, so they seemed the safest bet.<br>"**_What Cartman said remembered me when they entered 4th grade!"_**  
>For a moment I thought you meant you were similar to Cartman in 4<strong>__**th**__** grade...  
>"<strong>_Curiously in my fic, Kenny sort of likes Wendy :o"  
><em><strong>Kenny in you fic is freaking WEIRD, man! And that's not for liking Wendy!<br>"**_Curioulsy I was wondering if I would put a character like that in a future chapter of my fic for comedy reasons XD"_**  
>I'd advise against it. Too much mood whiplash. Then again, I promised I would never talk about it again, so potatoes.<br>"**_Thanks for uploading the fic, dude! :D"_**  
>No problem! Thanks for reviewing!<strong>_

_** Datgirl45: Interesting idea, if script format ever allowed narration. I was planning to do something else like that, but in a distant future.**_

_** John: Liefeld is a comic book writer who writes and draws bulky, overmuscled action superheroes that have little to no characterization and their faces are always scowling for no reason at all. If you'd like a sample of his writing, read Youngblood and try to make any sense of it. Heroes hit each other with their crotches there.**_

_** IHMSSM: Yep, it's a reference to SoT. I loved Gardner's bit of characterization that she communicates better using social networks and I'm planning to flesh it out more in future fics.**_

* * *

><p><em>[The gym. We see that Butters and several other kids have not yet left]<em>

**BUTTERS**: So, Charlie, you were sayin' that you lived in Minneapolis?

**CHARLIE PIERZYŃSKI**: Yeah. Now I moved here with my mom, little sister and baby brother.

**BUTTERS**: Boy, that kinda stuff must be tirin' for a young fella like you, right?

**CHARLIE**: I'm a girl.

**BUTTERS**: _[ignoring her] _I remember my dad sayin' there's no place like home- _[shuts himself up] _I-I mean what kinda fella would listen to his dad? A dork, I tell ya!

**EMILY KENDRIK**: I think my dad's cool!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I-I, good for you!

**VANSON**: Me too! Hey, shouldn't we be in class by now?

**BUTTERS**: In class? _[blinks] _Aw, hamburgers, I forgot! I, I mean... _[to himself] _Come on, Butters, you need to show them how goshdarn cool they are! _[to the new kids] _Class? Only dorks worry about classes! There's no need for classes with Butters, the toughest kid in school!

**GRANT ARMSTRONG**: He's right, you guys! Who cares about classes?

**VANSON**: Yeah! That's exactly the reason why this guy is my best friend! _[puts his arm around his shoulder and grins]_

**BUTTERS**: _[moves back, a little creeped out] _Uh, yeah!

**MUTT DUNCAN**: So... What should we do?

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh... Let's go hang out!

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**VANSON**: ...Yeah!

**WILLIAM KOIV**: All right!

**STEPHANIE KIMBLE**: Sounds like a plan...

* * *

><p><em>[The camera zooms out and cuts to Fiona's newspaper stand in the school hallway]<em>

**FIONA**: Aw reit!

_[Suddenly, Esther approaches the stand]_

**ESTHER**: Hey… You're selling the school paper already? Can I buy one?

**FIONA**: Comin' reit up, lass! Haur ye go! _[hands over the magazine] _'At'll be fifty bob!

**ESTHER**: …You mean cents, right? _[gives her the money]_

**FIONA**: Aye, aye. Cheers. Ye buy thes often?

**ESTHER**: Yeah, I'm like the number one customer.

**FIONA**:Well, be sure tae spreid th' word, eh? _[Esther walks offscreen, Fiona whispers to herself] _Aw reit, this is goin' stoatin'!

* * *

><p><em>[We cut back to the fifth grade classroom where nearly all the boys stare hypnotized at Miss Fanservice]<em>

**MISS FANSERVICE**: All right, class. Since I'm new in this school, I would like us all to get to know one another. And what better way there would be than a quick pop-quiz?

**JIMMY**: _[to Kenny] _Oh, I could th-think of a feh… few ways…

**KENNY**: _[chuckles] _(Heheheh…)

**MISS FANSERVICE**: I am going to ask some random questions requiring any bits of knowledge you might have acquired last year. If you know the answer, raise your hand, introduce yourself and then say it, simple as that. I'm going to write your names on the blackboard and then count up the points.

**KYLE**: _[to himself] _All right! This is my chance to shine!

_[We cut to a zoomed out shot of all the 5__th__ graders, only Kyle raising his hand]_

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Yes, what is it?

**KYLE**: Kyle Broflovski.

**MISS FANSERVICE**: I… haven't asked a question yet.

**KYLE**: Oh. Well, please consider that me wanting to answer in advance.

**KEVIN**: _[rolling his eyes, to Bradley] _Oh, boy, there we go…

**MISS FANSERVICE**: _[smiles] _Pretty confident, aren't we?

**KYLE**: _[smiles back]_ I think I'm prepared.

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Are you? I like that. The first question goes to you.

**KYLE**: _[whispers to himself] _All right! This is just what I wanted.

**MISS FANSERVICE**: _[overhearing] _What was that?

**KYLE**: Uh, nothing, nothing.

_[Meanwhile, Kenny's eyes are still drawn to Miss Fanservice's cleavage. He looks down, then around him, then raises his hand]_

**MISS FANSERVICE**: I thought I told you, I have to ask the question first.

**KENNY**: (Nah, it's not that, can I please be excused? I wanna go to the restroom.)

**MISS FANSERVICE**: …Uh… Could you take that hood off? I didn't catch that.

**STAN**: Kenny says he wants to go to the restroom.

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Oh, of course, if you must.

_[Kenny stands up, covering his crotch with his backpack for some reason]_

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Now, onto the quiz… In the category of western gastronomy… Which traditional taco recipe uses soft tortillas filled with spicy meat placed in a basket covered with cloth, thus steaming and softening them?

_[There is a moment of silence. Kyle is dumbfounded]_

**KYLE**: …Wait, what?! How is that exactly-

_[Clyde raises his hand]_

**CLYDE**: Uh, I'm Clyde Donovan, and the answer is tacos sudados.

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Well done, Clyde! You get a point. Well, I must admit I'm disappointed in you, Kyle.

**KYLE**: But… That doesn't make any sense! How is tacos even fourth grade knowledge?! It's way too specific!

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Clyde seems to know it.

**KYLE**: Yeah, but-

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Now Kyle, nobody likes a sore loser! _[We cut to Kyle's disappointed face] _Now, to the next question. In which year did the Denver Broncos…

* * *

><p><em>[Principal's office. We see Wendy knocking on the door and coming inside]<em>

**WENDY**: Principal Lee? May I take a minute of your time?

_[We see the principal inking a sheet of paper titled "One More Day #5". He promptly covers it with his palms, getting embarrassed for some reason]_

**WENDY**: Is… Is that a comic book?

**STAN LEE**: No! No, it's definitely not a comic, it's something completely different! …Okay, maybe it is a comic book, but it's not mine! I confiscated it from an unruly student!

**WENDY**: But… Aren't you inking it?

**STAN LEE**: _[Glances at the ink] _No! _[Throws the bottle out of the window, shattering the glass in the process]_

**MR. MACKEY**: _[from outside, faintly] _Ow! …M'kay?

**WENDY**: _[dumbfounded] _Uh… Anyway, principal Lee, I wish to enlist as a candidate for the student council body president post.

**STAN LEE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _The election doesn't start until October. Why now?

**WENDY**: Because of this petition, principal. _[hands him the sheets] _You see, I collected signatures from nearly all of our students and the vast majority says I have gained their trust and they would like to see me continue as the president. So I hoped we could skip the formalities so that I could go on with my duties as-

**STAN LEE**: Miss Testaburger, is it?

**WENDY**: Yes?

**STAN LEE**: I'm happy that you see yourself in a role serving the school. But you see… _[lights a candle and then sets the sheets of paper on fire] _I don't exactly believe in the students' rights to voice their opinions. Nor do I support them electing a representative. _[the burning pieces fall on the floor] _In my opinion sharing power makes the individual weaker, and a weak principal wouldn't exactly benefit the school, now would he?

**WENDY**: But-

**STAN LEE**: So you see… You can't expect me to help you rush the elections. On the other hand, you can perfectly well expect me to try to abolish that system.

**WENDY**: Um, principal?

**STAN LEE**: What?

**WENDY**: That's your comic book you set on fire, not my petition.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**STAN LEE**: …Get out.

* * *

><p><em>[We see Butters and his company of OC's entering the cafeteria]<em>

**BUTTERS**: And this is where we have, uh, lunch _[the door hits his knee] _Aw, hamburgers!

**LUCY MONTGOMERY**: You have hamburgers, too?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I dunno at the moment, but-

**VANSON**: Man, it's really great that you're so tough and stuff that you don't have to worry about anything and can go anywhere you like! Maybe with you guys as friends I'll also be more popular! Back in my school-

**BUTTERS**: Uh, wait, what? But I thought you guys were, uh, also cool!

**VANSON**: Nah, well, not really! Bad things kept happening to me, but I was still everyone's best friend, just like now I am yours, right? Right?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah, we'll talk about that later. How a-about you, fellas?

**CHARLIE**: I was never that popular either.

**NORA ANDERSEN**: Me neither.

**MUTT DUNCAN**: _[wondering] _Uhh…

**NATE TRUMAN**:Eh, no-one cares about that stuff! Where are we going next?

**BUTTERS**: _[after a pause] _Uh… Let me think about this, fellas… I'll be back in a minute… _[walks offscreen]_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman, who is leading his team of first-graders through the hallway. He notices Davin Miller, points at him and frowns]<em>

**CARTMAN**: See that ginger kid? This is exactly the reason this school is going downhill, you guys! I'm seriously, I'm gonna make him go away, if my name isn't Eric Cartman!

**FILMORE**: Wait, your name is Cartman?

**CARTMAN**: Uh… Yeah, why?

**FILMORE**: Oh, no… My sister Emily told me to stay away from you. She said you were a psychopath and you killed some guys' parents.

**SALLY BANDS**: Yeah, my brother said something like that, too!

**CARTMAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Ugh, you guys, seriously? You're gonna listen to what your siblings tell you? That's la-a-ame!

**FIRKLE**: It's not just them, everyone knows about your conformist plans.

**IKE**: Fireman!

**CARTMAN**: _[to Firkle] _Now listen, you goth shit! If you really wanna change the skewl, you'd better stop listening to others and start respecting mah authoritah!

**FILMORE**: Nah, I think we should be in class. Come on, you guys.

_[They walk away from Eric]_

**CARTMAN**: _[glares at the group]_ Well, fuck me…

_[The camera zooms out and pans over to Fiona, who rests her elbows on the newspaper stand, disappointed and bored to the limits]_

**FIONA**: Well, that's disappointin'... Esther wuz th' only one who booght anythin'... This isnae gonnae th' way Ah wuz expectin'...

* * *

><p><em>[The boys' bathroom. We hear, to put it bluntly, the sounds of Kenny beating himself. He finally flushes the toilet and comes out of the cabin]<em>

**KENNY**: _[shuts the door with anger] _(Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck it, FUCK IT! Why can't I get a boner anymore?! Why are those tits so special they completely cockblock me? WHY?! …This wasn't my dream…)

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Kyle groaning silently as Clyde scores his fifth point in the pop quiz while Kyle's score remains at zero]<em>

**KYLE**: This isn't what I wished for…

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Butters looking at Vanson and Charlie being pinned to the wall by a bully]<em>

**BUTTERS**: This isn't bein' popular…

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman opening his locker with a frown]<em>

**CARTMAN**: This is not kewl!

* * *

><p><em>[Cut to Wendy leaving the principal's office]<em>

**WENDY**: This wasn't supposed to happen…

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Butters clenching his fists with a determined look on his face]<em>

**BUTTERS**: No! I have waited-

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman, and then the other kids in a similar position]<em>

**CARTMAN**: Mah whole life for this moment!

* * *

><p><strong>FIONA<strong>: An' A'm nae gonnae let-

* * *

><p><strong>KENNY<strong>: (This little thing ruin it!)

* * *

><p><strong>WENDY<strong>: Even if it's the last thing I do-

* * *

><p><strong>KYLE<strong>: I'm gonna make this-

* * *

><p><em>[The screen splits into six rectangles with differently <em>_coloured__ action lines inside it. Kyle's in the green one, Cartman in red, Kenny in orange, Butters in sea blue, Wendy in purple and Fiona in gray]_

**EVERYONE**: _[in unison] _THE BEST YEAR EVER!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Any Original Characters featured in this fic belong to their respective owners. I admit, the first scene feels kinda out of place to me, but I needed to end the last chapter on a strong punch line and then cut back to something if I wanted to continue the classroom scene. Besides, if I paced Butters's subplot just like the way I did with the others, there wouldn't be time for any OC cameos, and we wouldn't want that, now would we?<strong>_

_**Kyle's not normally a suck-up for teachers, but I think I can explain this instance without being accused of making him OOC. He's been established to worry about his grades in the past, probably still fearing his mom. I don't think that might be the case in the later seasons, though, since Sheila mellowed out. However, I try to think of Kyle as academically ambitious and since he still knows that 5**__**th**__** grade will probably be full of adventures, he wants to make the best impression so that Miss Fanservice cuts him some slack… Oh, never mind, I established that two chapters before. My mum would use the same technique when she was in both elementary and high school. It worked for her perfectly. It never worked for me, though, I'm not a very good first impressionist. I can never help but throw random snarky comments at my teachers.**_

_**I used the word "dumbfounded" twice in this chapter. For some reason, I seem to like it. I hope I used it correctly.**_

_**So, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and as always, thanks for reading and please leave reviews!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	5. Managing at the Moment

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. Thanks for all the reviews and for sticking with me all this time. I have no time at the moment and I've got little to no Internet thanks to me moving into a new apartment, so I'll PM the responses individually, and I'll be brief. Sorry!**_

_**So yeah, apart from Vanson I used the OCs without their creators' permission, for a simple reason – I forgot to ask. I hope it's no trouble, the authors I could reach I apologised to, but if you find your OC in here and I haven't contacted you, I'm deeply sorry. In your case, Nwt000, you asked me before I could say sorry, so... Oh, well. **_

_**But enough apologising, let's just get to the chapter. Enjoy!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The hallway. Kyle leans over behind a corner, stalking Mr. Garrison. Stan walks up to him]<em>

**STAN**: Kyle? What are you doing?

**KYLE**: This whole Miss Fanservice doesn't like me, I can tell that just by looking at her! Thanks to Clyde and this pop-quiz, she might think I'm the worst student in class and just a showoff! I'm hoping Mr. Garrison can talk some sense into her!

**STAN**: Dude, nobody's gonna think that. You're just having a bad day.

**KYLE**: Oh, it's easy for you to say that, you have practically known me since we were toddlers! It's different with her! That's exactly she needs to hear from another faculty member that has known me before that I am a hard-worker! I won't let someone like Clyde take my place!

**STAN**: Dude! Clyde might have been lucky, but he won fair and square!

**KYLE**: FAIR AND SQUARE?! All the questions were either related to tacos or football! It's obvious there's some kind of relation!

**STAN**: …Okay. You're obviously not gonna listen to me. I'm gonna go now.

_[As Stan walks away, Kyle approaches Mr. Garrison]_

**KYLE**: _[awkwardly] _Heeey… Mr. Garrison.

**GARRISON**: Oh, hello, Kyle. Sooo, how did the skank that took my place turn out?

**KYLE**: Yeah, about that… I have a little favor to ask from you… Would you mind putting in a good word for me? It's just I don't think Miss Fanservice is really fond of me.

**GARRISON**: _[rolling his eyes] _Well, gee, Kyle, I don't know, maybe you should ask Mr. Hat.

**KYLE**: But… You don't have Mr. Hat on.

**GARRISON**: Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**KYLE**: Look, this is just silly-

**GARRISON**: Ask! Mr! HAT!

**KYLE**: …Oh… kay… Mr. Hat, do you think it's a good idea if Mr. Garrison puts in a good word for me so that Miss Fanservice treats me fairly?

**GARRISON**: _[with Mr. Hat's voice, without even using the puppet] _Well, Kyle, that's a really good question. And the answer is… NO! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!

**KYLE**: Oh, come on! Why won't you?

**GARRISON**: Oh, don't play dumb! I heard your lil' song right there! "Garrison doesn't teach us, that fills me with glee"? Smooooth.

**KYLE**: Wait, that doesn't make any sense! That's just a musical number whose role was expressing our feelings and briefly expositing about our wishes! You shouldn't have heard it!

**GARRISON**: It was difficult not to hear it after you MADE EVERY SINGLE FIFTH GRADE STUDENT JOIN YOU LITTLE FLASHMOB! We heard it throughout the whole school!

**KYLE**: Uh… Okay, that was kinda stupid.

**GARRISON**: I'm not doing anything. I thought after everything I've done to further your education you'd be a little more grateful, but I guess I shouldn't take your generation for granted.

_[Garrison walks away]_

**KYLE**: ...Goddamnit.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman trying to catch Filmore, Ike and Sally Bands in front of the first grade classroom]<em>

**CARTMAN**: Hey, you guys! You guys!

**SALLY**: I thought we told you we want nothing to do with you.

**IKE**: Ice bucket!

**CARTMAN**: Hey, come on, seriously, you guys! Don't we have a mission to accomplish? If you're not with me, what will happen to our skewl?!

**FILMORE**: Nah, I think my mom's gonna be mad if I hang out with you. Come on, you guys.

_[The first graders walk away. Cartman bites his lip]_

**CARTMAN**: Wait, wait, WAIT! …I have a red Mega-man. _[opens his backpack and presents the action figure]_

**FILMORE**: _[glances at his classmates and smirks] _…Now we can talk.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the students' conference room 1F seen in "Quest for Ratings", where Dougie is seen managing the newspaper club across the desk]<em>

**FIONA**: Look, lad, aw Aa'm sayin' is 'at we shood expand uir sales. Students arenae exactly interested in regular news.

**DOUGIE**: What do you mean?

**FIONA**: Look, Esther gave me thes idea. Newspapers ur a powerful medium. But whit fowk usually look fer in a newspaper?

**DOUGIE**: TV guides?

**FIONA**: Uh… Aye, but Ah was thinkin' abit somethin' else.

**DOUGIE**: Classified ads?

**FIONA**: Nae.

**DOUGIE**: Well, tell me, then. I am a very busy man. I'm doing a lot of important managing right now. _[Reaches for a random pencil and starts sharpening it]_

**FIONA**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Sae Ah see… Anyway, whit Ah meant were blether columns!

**DOUGIE**: Huh?

**FIONA**: Er, Ah mean, gossip columns! Lads an' lasses always loch tae be in th' know when it comes tae fowk they... well, know. That's what's gonnae improve uir ratings, an', subsequently, make us money!

**DOUGIE**: _[skeptically] _Well, I dunno… It seems like a big tonal shift. We don't wanna become just a tabloid, do we?

**CRAIG**: Yeah, besides, it sounds like it's a plot we've already rehashed twice.

_[Dougie and Fiona look around, noticing Craig sitting in a chair in the corner, flipping them off]_

**DOUGIE**: What plot?

**FIONA**: …Whare th' hell did yoo even come frae?!

**CRAIG**: _[stoically] _Oh, by the way, I'm here now thanks to convenience. Hi.

**DOUGIE**: …Anyway, I don't think it's a good idea. We're a respectable newspaper…

**FIONA**: …'At nae-one buys.

**DOUGIE**: Look, it's the right thing to do. Craig's right, if we do what you suggest, we might end up like Wikileaks. With our throats bitten off by our own brothers.

**FIONA**: But Ah dorn't hae a brither!

**DOUGIE**: How do you know? I heard you were a Sue, you might have a long-lost one among some of us.

**FIONA**: Aa'm nae a Sue, ye… melvin!

**DOUGIE**: _[glares] _Well, Sue or no Sue, your job is to sell, not to write, and I would very much like you not interfere with my writing when I'm trying to produce quality stuff! Now go and sell something or you won't have to come back ever again!

**FIONA**: _[glares right back, then walks away obediently, but frustrated] _This is whit happens when ye wark wi' an idealist...

* * *

><p><strong>WENDY<strong>: An idealist, my ass!

_[We see Wendy and Bebe sitting next to each other in the music room, empty as usual (except on Thurdays)]_

**WENDY**: This guy just took the principal's seat for power, or to feel good about himself, or whatever reason he wanted it!

**BEBE**: Yeah, like shoes!

**WENDY**: I… don't think he's a big fan of shoes, Bebe.

**BEBE**: Are you sure? Because no matter what Victoria's performance was like in the opening ceremony, her shoes were just gorgeous.

**WENDY**: Okay, but I don't think they're hereditary from one principal to another, okay? They're not even unisex.

**BEBE**: You sure about that? Then I don't see the fun in being the principal.

**WENDY**: That's the whole idea! It's not supposed to be fun! It's supposed to be hard, honest work, whose point is to make students' life better, not some mini-political games!

**BEBE**: Yeah, like school president elections!

**WENDY**: It's not the same thing, Bebe!

**BEBE**: _[smiles defensively] _Okay, okay, I'm just joking, Wendy. I know you're not doing this for yourself. You just need to show that to the principal and maybe you'll inspire him.

**WENDY**: It won't work. He doesn't care what any student says.

**BEBE**: You don't know that unless you try! Take the initiative and suggest some changes! Maybe then he'll soften up and see that the school president function is an important role.

**WENDY**: That… is a good idea. _[smiles back] _Thanks, Bebe. It's nice to know I can rely on you. Most of the time._ [Bebe's smile almost disappears]_

* * *

><p><em>[The rehabilitation room from "South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut. We see Butters and all the OCs sitting around in a circle]<em>

**BUTTERS**: Now, uh, f-fellas, I wanna welcome y'all to rehabilitation, m'kay?

**MUTT**: What are we doing this for?

**BUTTERS**: Now, uh, I'm not pointin' fingers, but some of us need to learn how to stand up against bullies!

**CHARLIE**: _[whispers to Vanson] _Who do you think he means?

**VANSON**: _[whispers back] _I dunno, I'm awesome.

**BUTTERS**: Those sons of the biscuits out there wanna torture you and make fun of you for being pussies and gaywads!

**MUTT**: And Jews!

**LUCY**: …You're not a Jew, Mutt.

**BUTTERS**: And if you can't protect yourself from them, how can you make me popular?

**STEPHANIE**: …What was that last part?

**BUTTERS**: Now the first thing you should do when you're a new kid is try to appear like you were popular before! How do you do that? You pretend you were used to givin' orders, not followin' them!

**GRANT**: Hey, yeah, he's right! I'm not gonna spend the rest of my time here as a pawn! I'm gonna make something of myself! Come on, let's show those buddies out there that we new kids aren't something to be trifled with!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, that's the spirit!

**GRANT**: So, Butters, go and buy us some cokes from the vending machine!

**BUTTERS**: Yeah! …Wait, uh, but I was supposed to be the… Uh, okay. _[Butters walks offscreen, presumably to the vending machine]_

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**NATE TRUMAN**: Wow, that was easier than I thought.

**VANSON**: Soo… Grant, if you're Canadian, why isn't your head all flappy and shit?

**GRANT**: Shut up, buddy.

* * *

><p><em>[The hallway once again. We see Kenny sitting against a wall, sighing in self-pity. Stan walks by and sits down next to him]<em>

**STAN**: Okay. I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but why the long face?

**KENNY**: (Stan, you have no idea what kind of torture I'm going through right now!)

**STAN**: _[raises an eyebrow] _…Go on.

**KENNY**: (It's Miss Fanservice! I can't seem to get her off my mind!)

**STAN**: Can't you, well-

**KENNY**: (Jack off? Believe me, I've tried to, numerous times! But this time, it's different!)

**STAN**: Can you spare me the details?

**KENNY**: _[ignoring him] _(It's like she was engraved into my mind as something not carnal, but celestial!)

**STAN**: Since when do you know words like that?

**KENNY**: _[still ignoring him] _(Or else she occupies my brain so much that it doesn't have enough power to send a signal to my dick! Either way, I can't get a boner.)

**STAN**: Nice to know that.

**KENNY**: (Snark all you want, Stan, but if I can't jack off in time, my balls are in danger of exploding!)

**STAN**: Don't be so over-dramatic, Kenny, of course your balls aren't going to explode.

**KENNY**: (They are, too! They did so once!)

**STAN**: …Oh… Kay… So how exactly can they do that again?

**KENNY**: (Simple, I died and came back to life.)

**STAN**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Sure you did.

_[We see Clyde walking by. He sits down next to the two boys]_

**KENNY**: (Fine, if you don't wanna believe me, just tell me what I should do about her.)

**CLYDE**: Are you talking about Miss Fanservice?

**STAN**: Yeah, Kenny's been rendered impotent thanks to her.

**KENNY**: (Dude! Don't tell just anyone!)

**CLYDE**: Weird reaction, but I can't blame ya if something's wrong. She's just too hot for South Park! That perfect ass, those perky boobs… Nothing's the same after seeing her!

**KENNY**: (Wait, that's it! Why didn't I see that before? It's her tits!)

**STAN**: _[raises an eyebrow] _What.

**KENNY**: (I know how to cure myself! I only need to grab her boobs! When I experience their softness and tenderness for myself, everything will go back to normal!)

**STAN**: …What.

**CLYDE**: _[theatrically]_ (No, Kenny! Those angelic boobs might be too much for you! You can't risk your life for them!

**KENNY**: _[just as theatrically] _(I must, Clyde! Even if I die in the process, I have to regain my ability to get a boner!)

**CLYDE**: May God help you, Kenny! May God help you!

**STAN**: …Okay, you guys are officially retarded.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Yeah, "Dougie is seen managing"… Yep, doing a lot of management all right! I know this sounds stupid, but it was so unintentionally funny for me that I decided to leave it this way and make a joke out of it… And even name a chapter after it… Yeah… I'm weird and my writing sucks, what's new?<strong>_

_**I'm surprised Cartman's bit is actually the shortest almost every chapter. But I'm also kinda glad, since he gets the most attention on the show, so that's a good way of evening things out. I can't remember the name of that kid who always hangs out with Filmore, but I'm pretty sure John named him in SPU, but since it's not online, I didn't want to trouble him. (Okay, now I know - it's Quaid!)  
><strong>_

_**I love Mr. Hat. I want a hand puppet like this. I would like to learn ventriloquism just for having Mr. Hat puppet. Garrison went through a lot of character development throughout the seasons, arguably the most except Stan, but he lost his signature gimmick in the process. I wish they could bring him back while still having Garrison's development intact.**_

_**I'm not even sure why I put Craig there. It's just him hanging the lampshades feels funnier for me. I'm gonna use him in that role from now on. Oh, and hope you liked the segue to the next scene. I also hope I managed to make all the OCs IC.**_

_**Also, Stan and Kenny's interactions are damn easy to write. No wonder they appeared a lot together in SPU.**_

_**Thanks for reading, guys, and as always, read and review.**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	6. Excelsior Escalates

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here for the penultimate episode. I hope you all like it and as always, thanks for the feedback. **_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Didn't Dougie appear before? I think he did...**_

_** Coyote: Mr. Hat's characterization would probably be... Garrison, only more sadistic, sociopathic and sexually open (when he was actually used)? I dunno, I always thought of him as part of Garrison's characterization.**_

_** Nwt000: No problem, you should do something with Nate. I'd like to see him in a plot of some sorts.**_

_** IHMSSM: Huh... Kenny, Clyde and John as the pervert trio... Might be a good idea for a fic sometime.**_

_** John: Okay then, thanks for your help with OCs. As for the reporter stuff... Eh, as you'll find out, there's not really much space for other kids there, and ultimately it's not what the fic is about. Pay attention to what Craig lampshaded last chapter, because it... kinda forshadows one of my plans for a future fic. As for Victoria... So, you think I should adapt my style to be more like current SP with my plots? I might expand upon it later... Then again, I might not. You know, it's not the end of Vanson's interactions... As you'll see this chapter. I'll bear your advice on Kenny in mind.**_

_** The QAS: Actually, you mentioning Craig and Clyde reminded me of something I forgot to mention.**_

_**Um, so I started a Q&A comic called 50 Lampshades of Craig. I update it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You might either google it or find it on my deviantart, the link to which you'll encounter in my profile here. Send Craig all your questions, everybody!**_

_**Also, enjoy the chapter!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The hallway. We see Cartman using his phone and a row of first graders behind him] <em>

**CARTMAN**: _[to the phone] _Okay, meehm! I'm saying this again! I'll be needing my red and yellow mega-man, my PSP, my Ants in the Pants… and…

**IKE**: Spiderman!

**CARTMAN**: And my Spiderman action figures! _[pause] _Yeah, you should take them to skewl, I need them now, meehm! …But meeeeeehm, I neeed my action figures nooooow! …But meeeehm! Alright, kickass!

**FIRKLE**: Don't forget the spiked collar.

**CARTMAN**: What spiked collar? I don't have any spiked collars, dickhead!

**FIRKLE**: Everyone knows your mom has a collection. And they're hardcore.

**FILMORE**: Hey, you got any Bionicles?

**CARTMAN**: Oh, goddamnit, asshole, nobody plays with Bionicles anymore! Stick to the stuff you have hyah on the list! _[to the phone] _No, I was talking to them, meehm.

_[We pan over to another part of the hallway, close to the second grade classroom, where we see Fiona with a stash of newspapers under her arm. She looks pretty desperate.]_

**FIONA**: Reid aw abit it, lads! Aw th' details abit th' faculty changes in yer very ain school newspaper!

_[Ruby Tucker walks by. Fiona stops her with her foot and almost shoves the newspaper in her face]_

**FIONA**: Lass, yoo've got tae help me! Please, please buy somethin'!

**RUBY**: But… But I don't wanna. Newspapers are boring.

**FIONA**: We aw hae tae make sacrifices, lass! Jist buy it!

**RUBY**: You're creeping me out. I'm going. _[flips her off and walks away]_

**FIONA**: Dorn't walk away when Aa'm talkin' tae ya! _[spots Karen McCormick] _Awrite, Kenny's sister! Yoo've got tae reid this! Yer life depends oan it!

_[Next, we pan over to Miss Fanservice talking to Mr. Adler in front of the shop classroom. When Kenny pulls up a chair and places it behind the female teacher, neither seems to notice. Kenny rubs his hands, pulls up his sleeves, closes his eyes and then tries to grope her from behind. However, it seems that Miss Fanservice has already left and Kenny subsequently embraced Mr. Adler instead]_

**MR. ADLER**: _[uncomfortably] _Kid… Are you screwing around right now?

**KENNY**: (…I'm gonna say… maybe?)

_[Then, we follow Miss Fanservice all the way to the teacher's lounge until Kyle blocks the way, apparently having waited there for some time. He puts on the fakest smile he can muster]_

**KYLE**: Hello, Miss Fanservice. I've been wondering if I couldn't do an extra-curricular project to get a better grade?

**MISS FANSERVICE**: The school year hasn't started yet. I haven't given any grades away.

**KYLE**: What? Oh, yeah. Well, I just wanted a head start before-

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Look, Kyle, was it? I know you want to become the best in class and I appreciate your concern, I really do.

**KYLE**: _[with hope in his eyes] _Really?

**MISS FANSERVICE**: But it's just…No matter how hard you work, you just can't beat pure, raw genius and talent such as Clyde's with your measly abilities. I'm sorry to say this, but you should just give up.

**CLYDE**: Yeah, Kyle, you outstayed your welcome. _[pats him on the back, Kyle responding with a groan] _Nothing personal, man, but my intellect is awesome. They finally discovered my true potential!

**KYLE**: Oh, COME ON!

_[The camera moves again to show the OC clique basically treating Butters like their servant. After he gives a can of coke to Nate, Grant cups his fart and forces him to smell it. Then Charlie approaches Butters]_

**CHARLIE**: Hey, Butters!

**BUTTERS**: Huh?

**CHARLIE**: I can't do properly it yet, so I wanted to practice it with you. Is that okay?

**BUTTERS**: Gee, sure, but what do you…

_[Charlie hits him in the stomach]_

**CHARLIE**: GIVE ME YOUR FUCKIN' LUNCH MONEY! _[turning around] _…Was that alright?

**GRANT**: _[nods with a smile] _Awesome.

**BUTTERS**: _[to himself, the camera focusing on him] _Be patient, Butters, you, uh, have to suffer for a while to boost their popularity!

_[The camera finally pans over to Wendy walking down the hallway with a folder in her hand. She enters the principal's office]_

* * *

><p><em>[Inside, we see Stan Lee playing with action figures while Wendy enters and lays out the files on his desk. He hides his toys quickly under the desk]<em>

**WENDY**: Okay, principal Lee. I know you're a busy man…

**STAN LEE**: Damn right, I am! I'm doing a lot of managing right now!

**WENDY**: …Yeah. Anyway, I have some suggestions I know you might be interested in.

**STAN LEE**: Excelsior.

**WENDY**: What?

**STAN LEE**: Nothing. Go on, if you must.

**WENDY**: Principal, I thought about your fifteen-minute break reform and I'm afraid I have to oppose it. Prolonging the time we spend in school isn't going to positively affect anyone. Basically, with those breaks, we'll all be home by 6 PM!

**STAN LEE**: The 15-minute break is a necessary and revolutionary breakthrough. I know what I'm doing.

**WENDY**: Alright, but some of us have extracurricular activities we can't attend because of it!

**STAN LEE**: If you care more about extracurricular activities, maybe you should choose a different school. Anything else?

**WENDY**: Uh, yes. I was wondering whether you could install more lockers for the first through third grade students, since they are the ones who need them the most, carrying a lot of unnecessary books about that the teachers require them to. We had reports on spine problems among our students last year and I think this might be the cause.

**STAN LEE**: Out of the question.

**WENDY**: Why?

**STAN LEE**: We have no funds for such commodities. Besides, there is no space in the hallway.

**WENDY**: But principal, that doesn't make any sense! How is there no money or space in the hallway when you just installed a giant Iron Man statue there?!

**BRADLEY**: _[entering the office, having obviously been eavesdropping on the conversation] _ And another thing! Are you really Stan Lee or not? You don't look like him, but you have a kinda similar moustache, and sometimes you do stuff assiociated with comic books! What is actually your deal?! It's just confusing and really bothers me!

_[Stan Lee and Wendy stare at him in silence]_

**WENDY**: …Yeah.

**STAN LEE**: Miss Testaburger, I'm afraid I must ask you to leave. Also, if you make one more of your "suggestions", I'll make sure you're expelled from this school.

**WENDY**: But… But…

**STAN LEE**: Out!

* * *

><p><em>[The hallway. We see the two leaving the principal's office. Wendy sighs in deep thought]<em>

**BRADLEY**: _[whispers to her] _He's not really Stan Lee after all, is he?

* * *

><p><em>[We cut back to Fiona's newspaper stand]<em>

**FIONA**: Reid aw abit it, lads… Agh, it's nae use! Nae-one's interested in newspapers anymair!

_[We see John Vanson approaching Fiona with a sly smile]_

**FIONA**: Awrite, lad! Mebbe yoo'd loch tae purchase somethin'?

**VANSON**: Hey, babe! I know you're already captivated by my charm, so why don't you go out with me?

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**FIONA**: ...Yoo're a Sue, arenae ye?

* * *

><p><em>[The school entrance. We see Cartman waiting for some reason and his mother arriving with a couple of boxes in her car]<em>

**CARTMAN**: There you are! Took you forevah, meehm!

**LIANE**: Here you go, poopsiekins! That's the toys you ordered. I must say, I'm surprised you decided to donate all your toys.

**CARTMAN**: Yeah, wha'evah… Wait, all of them? What do you mean all?

**LIANE**: Well, dear, you mentioned pretty much everything I could find in your room. It's almost empty right now.

**CARTMAN**: …That son of bitch! I'm gonna have a word with that asshole!

_[He runs inside the school]_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the theatre room, where a bunch of first graders carry props around for some reason]<em>

**CARTMAN**: _[entering furiously]_ Hey, Filmore, you asshole! The fuck do you think you're doing?!

**FILMORE**: What happened, Cartman?

**CARTMAN**: I told you to call me Mr. Cartman! What the fuck do you think you're doing, manipulating me, your fuckin' leader, into giving you all my toys?! Did you fucks drug me? Is that it? I'm warning you, it isn't working, and you should rethink what you're doing before I make you fucking eat your parents!

**IKE**: Zeeponaner!

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Ike, you dumb Jew! Now, the only thing left in my room is my bed!

**SALLY**: Hey, I could use a new bed!

**CARTMAN**: Over my dead body, bitch!

**FILMORE**: Hey, easy, Mr. Cartman. We just wanted to have a taste of your life, because we're fascinated with your life, leader!

**FLORA**: Uh, yeah, that's it!

**CARTMAN**: Oh. I see… Well, if you think I'm so kewl, in that case, the boxes are outside. Take whatever you want and drown in my awesomeness!

**KIDS**: Yaaaaay!

_[They run out enthusiastically. Carman chuckles in self-satisfaction] _

**CARTMAN**: Heheh… These guys love me… Wait. _[He thinks for a second] _…Goddamnit, kids these days are too damn smart for their own gewd.

* * *

><p><em>[The hallway near the gym. Wendy and Stan are standing in front of a notice board there. Wendy is carrying a huge stack of papers]<em>

**STAN**: Dude, I still can't understand why you dragged me here.

**WENDY**: _[a bit fidgety, clearly nervous] _You'll see, Stan. If that shit of a principal doesn't want to admit how he needs a school president, I'll remind everyone in school what I accomplished for the last two years!

**STAN**: Uh, Wendy, are you okay? You look a bit… stressed out.

**WENDY**: I'm fine, Stan! _[looks at the board] _Ah, great, the gym is free right now. Listen. I need you to tell the radio announcer that I'm going to make a quick speech.

**STAN**: _[points at the stack of papers] _THAT'S quick?

**WENDY**: Just go, Stan!

**STAN**: Okay, but I don't see how a speech is going to solve anything.

_[Wendy stares at Stan. There is a moment of silence]_

**WENDY**: _[pinches the bridge of her nose] _…You know, I love you, but you can be a real hypocrite sometimes.

**STAN**: …Okay, I'm going. _[walks offscreen]_

_[Wendy sighs to calm herself down]_

**WENDY**: Alright! This is my last chance!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Just for the record, I don't think John Vanson is a Sue, I think he's an awesome OC and kinda wasted. Speaking of OCs, I apologise for any hypothetical OOC-ness featured in this story, I tried to remain true to the characters as best as I could.<strong>_

_**I'm sorry if the chapter seems kinda short, but at this point the story had to be fast-paced, or else the ending wouldn't be as effective. I can only hope that you liked this chapter and that the final one will blow your minds. Not literally, of course. Actually, even the metaphorical meaning might be not exactly overwhelming for you, but that's a story for another day. I mean, it's all subjective and stuff. I mean, I'm tired as I'm writing this, so I might be spouting total nonsense.**_

_**However, I don't want to leave you completely empty-handed, so along with the chapter, we get a double feature – the long promised text review of the Season 17 episode "Taming Strange"!**_

_**REVIEW PORTION:**_

_**This episode… Is another really good one! I think we really might be getting quality stuff from Trey and Matt when reducing the number of episodes. Less workload makes all the difference. They might just, well, hire another writer, but we all know that won't be the case after season 3 (I think), SP is Trey's baby. I've got to warn you – I'm not really familiar with the object of the satire and if I know something about this, it's probably thanks to the South Park Archives trivia page. I'm looking at this episode not solely as a satire, but as a sitcom episode in general. I'm going to focus on the plot, humour and writing here.**_

_**The more I think about this, the more I'm sure that the episodes turn out better not when they're concentrated on one plot thread, as T&M would suggest, but several well-integrated ones. This is definitely the case here. We had pretty much four subplots: Kyle and Ike's relationship, the Yo Gabba Gabba stuff, Mackey's battle with Intellilink and the minister's troubles. When it all comes together in the scene in Kyle's living room it is awesomely chaotic and the viewer is just as confused as Kyle (which is a good thing). The moment the Canadian minister calls Kyle out of nowhere is hilarious.**_

_**While not a masterpiece of comedy, "Taming Strange" definitely had some laugh-out-loud moments here and there. The best example of this would be the Canadian sex-ed tape turning into a "drama" about the minister's wife queefing in his face. Then he met his bearded "fwhiend" and you just wonder "hey… is the cameraman actually following him?" and after that we cut to Kyle and Ike watching all of this! …Yeah, the humour in this episode was kinda abstract. The same was with Kyle's appointment with the minister. I mean, the fancy fwhiend just appeared there. Was he just sitting there the whole time? Anyway, it made me laugh and nobody appreciates a good laugh more than I do. Except for Stan Lee.**_

_**The Intellilink stuff I thought I wasn't going to like, but they actually used Mackey well in this. This is impressive considering I'm sick of this character being overused and he made me laugh in this. The reason he worked is probably that he was calm in the beginning, and then his anger gradually escalated, not like the Tooth Decay episode where he was just pissed off out of nowhere (yeah, I know I made him like that in "Fiona", my bad). And as I said, I liked how the subplots intertwined, with Intellilink being the reason for both the minister's and Ike's problems, referencing Obamacare.**_

_**Also, kick the baby? Great callback. Kudos. And we had a nice Garrison moment. I wish he could get a whole episode somehow. I know his story is done and all, but come on, don't make him a background character… Oh, uh, I liked the scene in the faculty room. We find out a bit more about Mr. Miles and we also get some funny moments from Mackey.**_

_**What have I got to say about Ike's new voice? I don't care. We're never going to see it again anyway. It reminded me a bit of Skyler.**_

_**What else? Oh, Yo Gabba Gabba and Ike stuff. It had a nice moral about not rushing puberty, delivered just fine to me. What helped was that we had a shitload of subplots that cared only about making us laugh, otherwise it might've come off as a little clichéd. However, they managed to avoid it, hammering another "lesson" in caricature form – "don't show your 'strange' in public" is kind of a no-brainer, so it just served, again, to make us laugh. I also liked how the actors didn't take off their costumes after the show, even though they were specifically designed to look like costumes, and stayed consistently in character the whole time, even though it would be unnecessary in real life.**_

_**And that's about it. Good episode, and I'm glad we're seeing more of Kyle in Season 17. I hope Season 18 will be just as good for him.**_

_**I'm thinking of doing episode reviews like that every time the chapter would be a page or a couple of pages short or so. On-season, we would be tackling the current episodes every week, unless Trey and Matt went "Dawn of the Posers" on us again. Do you think it'd be a good idea? Well, leave your opinions and comments in the reviews and as always, thank you for reading. Stay tuned for the final chapter!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	7. Naaah, I Was Just Trollin' Ya

_**Hey guys, sorry for being late, Wensleydale here with the last chapter of "Best Year Ever". Enjoy! Also, thank you for all your reviews, you guys are what keeps me writing these silly stories (well, you and my useful, but annoying drive to always finish what I started)!**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Coyote: I based Clyde's behaviour more on The List than SoT. He's a nice and adorkable guy, but when you flatter him enough and boost his ego, he becomes really smug.**_

_** John: Never watched the show. Is it any good? Well, this time we'll get some additional focus on Kenny and Kyle, and I don't think Butters's plot needed to be expanded upon much more. I planned out the storylines somewhat separately, so for example Cartman got a little more plot points later on, sacrificing his build-up.**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Huh... Sexual Adventure Time with Kenny, Clyde and John!**_

_** The QAS: 50LoC will probably be updated tomorrow. Lost my internet connection, that's the reason why this chapter is a day late.**_

_** IHMSSM: Cartman's rarely ever anyone's favourite character, judging from the people I know. So, you can feel special! He's my second favourite, right after Kyle.**_

_** Guests:  
>- You're welcome, thanks for reading!<br>- Eh?  
>- You wish me to... "want" characters? Huh? I don't get it.<strong>_

_**Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me all this time. I hope you all enjoyed it!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The hallway. We see Kyle kicking some lockers in frustration and Kenny approaching him]<em>

**KYLE**: Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!

**KENNY**: (Hey, whoa, dude, don't sweat! What the fuck's the matter?)

**KYLE**: It's Miss Fanservice, Kenny! I can't get her off my mind!

**KENNY**: (You tell me, man… No idea you were into older chicks, too, though.)

**KYLE**: I tried to impress her however I could, but I failed miserably! Now she thinks Clyde of all people is the smartest kid in class! For crying out loud, she thinks I'm stupid! At this way I'll end up working at the sewers! Oh God, not the sewers! I have to make sure she thinks I'm smart! _[thinks for a second, rubbing his chin] _…Or make sure she thinks Clyde is dumb…

_[There is a moment of silence. Kenny stares at Kyle in disbelief]_

**KENNY**: (…Do you even HAVE a sex drive?)

* * *

><p><em>[While the school radio announcer starts talking, we hear each of the other kids listening to the announcement. First, we get a glimpse at Butters who is being given a wedgie by Nate. Next, we see Fiona being given a gigantic stash of newspapers by Dougie and his team of journalists. Then, we see Kenny trying to jump off the stairs to launch himself onto Miss Fanservice's chest, falling on the floor behind her and surprisingly not killing himself in the process. Later, we see Cartman looking at the first-graders playing with his stuff in disdain. He notices an axe. We finally get a shot of principal Lee wearing a cape and then cut to the next scene]<em>

**ANNOUNCER**: Attention, students! We ask for every student and faculty member to come to the gym where a special, uh… thing will take place… apparently. We don't exactly know what it is… uh… but we know it's important! …Maybe.

* * *

><p><em>[The gym. We see all the students and teachers gathered in the audience. Wendy slowly approaches the microphone and closes her eyes to calm herself down]<em>

**WENDY**: _[to herself] _Well, let's hope this works. _[faces the microphone]_ Good afternoon, students of South Park Elementary! I gathered you all here as last year's school president to tell you all about the merits the existence of that role brings to our community! I-

**QUAID**: _[in the audience] _Boo, Wendy Testaburger, boo!

**WENDY**: I… May I ask you to be quiet?

**STAN LEE**: _[with a smirk on his face, in the front row]_ Miss Testaburger, am I hearing you correctly? Are you implying our students should be silenced and not voice their own opinions? I must say, I thought better of you. Carry on, boy!

**QUAID**: Boo, Wendy, boo!

_[We now see he has a Megaman action figure in his hand. Then we cut back to Wendy who continues her speech while looking rather distraught]_

**WENDY**: Oh… kay, then… Anyway, last year, we managed to-

**QUAID**: Boo, Wendy, boo!

**WENDY**: Organize the Halloween festiv-

**QUAID**: Boo!

_[Wendy's speech and Quaid's noises fade into the background as we cut to Fiona in the corner of the gym, next to a ladder. She carries over her huge stash of newspapers on a rolling platform]_

**FIONA**: _[narrates to herself in a villain-esque fashion] _Aw reit, th' time fer me final plan has come! When Ah turn oan th' fire alarm an' douse th' school wi' water, everyone in school will want me newspapers tae giet dry! This is perfect! Hahahah!

_[As we see Fiona climbing up to the fire sensor, we pan over to Cartman behind the back row seats, crouching behind Filmore]_

**CARTMAN**: _[trying to sound innocent] _Hello, Filmore! How are yew?

**FILMORE**: _[a little creeped out] _Uh… Pretty good, Mr. Cartman, why are you asking?

**CARTMAN**: Oh, nothing, nothing… I was just thinkin'… You know how your parents said I was a bad crowd and you shouldn't talk to me or anything?

**FILMORE**: Yeah? What about it?

**CARTMAN**: I started to think… Maybe the same could be same about yew. You see, I noticed how needy your lot has become ever since you told them to take my stuff. That is just not kewl.

**FILMORE**: So, what's your point? You need us, right?

**CARTMAN**: Mah point is that you're a bad seed in mah army. Therefore, I want to relieve you of your duties.

**FILMORE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _They're my classmates and stupid as all hell. It'll be extremely easy to manipulate them into turning their backs on you. How do you plan to accomplish preventing that?

**CARTMAN**: _[with a creepy smile]_ Well, for starters, I will make you… _[reveals the pickaxe he has in his hand]_ …RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!

_[Cartman swings the axe at Filmore who dodges it and runs away]_

**FILMORE**: GAAH!

**WENDY'S VOICE**: Cartman, would you mind not murdering this kid right now? I'm trying to make a speech!

**CARTMAN**: _[ignoring her] _Get back here, ASSHOLE!

_[Cartman throws his axe at the fleeing Filmore. However, he misses and instead cuts a rope. We cut to Fiona just below the roof, trying to activate the sprinklers using a lighter and succeeding]_

**FIONA**: Aw reit!

_[Suddenly, the crossbeam Fiona's standing on comes off thanks to the rope Cartman cut. Fiona drops her lighter and is suspended in mid-air for a second]_

**FIONA**: …Oh, nae.

_[She falls down cartoonishly, fortunately landing on the stash of newspapers, Butters approaches her. He has a noticeable black eye]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, Fiona? Gee, a-are you okay?

**FIONA**: Aye, aye, lad. Noo tae sellin' me newsp- …What's 'at reek?

_[They start to sniff and turn around. We cut to the audience annoyed at the sprinklers dousing everything in sight with water. Everyone starts to yell at one another while Wendy tries to calm everyone down through the microphone]_

**WENDY**: I… uh… excuse me! May I have your attention, please?

_[We cut to some boys in the front row whose attention is captivated by something else, specifically, Miss Fanservice's wet shirt. The fact that she doesn't seem to be wearing a bra doesn't help] _

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Oh, dear, this is such a nuisance.

**JIMMY**: W-wow, what a terrific ra-ra-raaah…

**CLYDE**: _[to himself, but out loud] _Holy crap, her boobs are even puffier than I imagined!

**KYLE**: _[to himself] _This is my chance! _[desperately] _Hah! Miss Fanservice! Clyde made a suggestive remark about your body! _[to Clyde] _Now she knows you're not smart, asshole!

**MISS FANSERVICE**: I don't see how that's related to his intelligence. Everyone has their urges and a wise person wouldn't judge them for it. Besides, that remark wasn't at all suggestive, because my breasts are indeed puffy… Like puffy tacos, first produced in…?

**KYLE**: _[unsure] _Uuuuhhh…

**CLYDE**: _[smiles] _In 1978 by Antonio Lopez!

**MISS FANSERVICE**: See, Kyle? You could learn a thing or two from him.

**KYLE**: Okay, THAT DOES IT! You are the worst teacher I know! Garrison might've taught us nothing but TV trivia, but at least he didn't favor one student because of that knowledge! And you, Clyde, you're the same! You always think that whatever other people say is true and you don't ever look at your flaws objectively! Well, let me tell you something! You were never smart, nor will you ever be! YOU ARE DUMB, CLYDE, AND YOU ARE BOTH FAILURES!

_[There is a moment of silence. Clyde starts to cry]_

**CLYDE**: …Waaaahuhuh!

**TOKEN**: _[patting Clyde on the back] _ Dude, that was low.

**KYLE**: Oh, IS IT?! Well, let me tell you-

_[He stops, noticing Kenny crawling on the floor next to him, his one hand on his crotch]_

**KYLE**: …Kenny? Dude, are you okay?

**KENNY**: (Can't… hold it in… ANY LONGER!)

_[Kenny kneels down in front of Miss Fanservice, his back facing the camera. He pulls his trousers down and starts masturbating in plain sight. Everyone just stares open-mouthed]_

**KENNY**: (WOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO! IT'S BACK, BABY!)

**MISS FANSERVICE**: Oh, my…

_[We briefly see Filmore running away from Cartman and the obese boy following him with his axe. However, when Eric notices Kenny, he drops the weapon, stops chasing the first grader and starts laughing maniacally while pointing at the poor boy's naughty bits]_

**CARTMAN**: Huh… Hahah… HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

**GRANT**: _[to the other OCs] _Hey, I just thought of something funny!

_[He grabs Butters (who has just joined the crowd) by the collar and kicks him in the backside so that he lands right in front of Kenny]_

**BUTTERS**: Ow!

_[Kenny's mind seems to be drifting somewhere else as he doesn't care when he ejaculates right in Butters's face]_

**BUTTERS**: SON OF A BISCUIT! I'M FED UP WITH FOLLOWIN' THE LIKES OF YOU! If this kind of humiliation is required to become popular, then I SURE AS HECK DON'T WANNA BE POPULAR AT ALL!

_[Butters launches himself onto Grant and starts pounding him and the other OCs with his fists. Charlie trips and shoves Heidi with her elbow. Heidi turns around and faces Token]_

**HEIDI**: Hey, watch out, you bastard!

_[Heidi punches him in the nose and sends him flying. He knocks down Fosse, who in turn kicks Bluecap in the shin] _

**FOSSE**: Uhuhuh, you're gay!

**BLUECAP**: Well, fuck you! _[headbutts him]_

**KYLE**: _[strangling Clyde] _You took my title, you fucker!

_[Clyde gurgles while we see Cartman holding Filmore up]_

**CARTMAN**: My plans are ruined because of you! _[looks back at Kenny and chuckles] _Heheheh… Ow! _[Filmore kicks him in the crotch and runs away]_

**FIRKLE**: _[trying to break Quaid's arm]_ That's my transformer, you conformist!

**KEVIN**: _[pulling Red's hair while she seems to be biting his leg] _Star Wars is way better science fiction than Evangellion!

**LOLA**: _[punching Powder] _I FAKED ALL MY ORGASMS!

_[All the accusations and insults start to overlap and create an unintelligible rabble. When all hell breaks loose, Wendy just stares, open-mouthed]_

**WENDY**: _[sighs, to herself] _…Well. At least it can't get any worse.

**FIONA**: _[approaching her] _…Aye, abit 'at…

_[She points to the left. The camera then pans over to the newspaper stash on fire. We see the flames spread quickly around the gym]_

**WENDY**: …Oh. Lovely.

**TWEEK**: OH, DEAR GOD, the school's on fire! AGH!

**JIMBO**: _[shooting at the flames] _It's coming right for us!

**KYLE**: _[after a pause]_ …How the fuck did you even get in here?!

_[Jimbo and Ned shrug. Then we cut to all the people inside panicking and running around. We cut back to Wendy who just stares at everything happening around her with her eyebrow raised and mouth opened]_

**WENDY**:I… I don't even know what's going on anymore.

_[Stan hisses at her offscreen]_

**STAN**: _[points at the emergency exit] _Run!

_[Wendy promptly runs after Stan, Fiona, Kenny and Cartman after them, with Cartman still laughing at Kenny. Before Kyle and Butters can reach the door, John Vanson stands in their way]_

**VANSON**: Hey, Butters! Did you forget about your best buddy?

**BUTTERS**: _[nervously] _Oh, hamburgers!

**KYLE**: Aww, Butters! You made yourself a friend!

_[Suddenly, a burning crossbeam falls from the gym's roof and knocks Vanson out. Butters sighs in relief and jumps over him. Kyle follows him, confused]_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the City Wok, where we see the kids sitting together at a table, wearing their rugged, dirty formal clothes]<em>

**STAN**: You see? I told you guys if you started the school year with high expectations, you might get disappointed in the end.

**FIONA**: Aye, ye were richt, lad, A'll give ye 'at.

**WENDY**: I guess we kind of let our optimism get to our heads.

**KENNY**: (And dicks.)

**WENDY**: …Yeah, that too.

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, I sure as heck am glad to be hangin' out with you guys instead of those wieners!

**KYLE**: You said it, Butters! I guess we all learned something today – it doesn't matter if your dreams don't come true right away as long as you spend the time waiting for them with your friends!

_[Pause]_

**CARTMAN**: That was sooo gay.

**KYLE**: …Except for Cartman.

**STAN**: Totally.

**CARTMAN**: Ay!

**WENDY**: Well, guys, I'd like to propose a toast. To a moderately good year we will all have in the fifth gr-

_[Suddenly, everyone freezes solid while a ray of bright green light flashes past the screen. The kids unfreeze, back to their original height and ordinary clothes]_

**WENDY**: …To the best year ever we will have in the fourth grade!

**EVERYONE**: _[raising their glasses] _Yeah!

**FIONA**: _[at the same time]_ Aye!

_[Everyone takes a sip from their glasses except for Stan, who stares at the rest in deep thought]_

**STAN**: Anyone else get the feeling that… nothing's changed?

_[The camera suddenly fades to black, the credits roll with the usual outro track playing. _

_THE END_

_You have been watching:_

_STAN MARSH  
>KYLE BROFLOVSKI<br>ERIC CARTMAN  
>KENNY MCCORMICK<em>

_BUTTERS STOTCH  
>WENDY TESTABURGER<br>JIMMY VALMER  
>FIONA MCTEAGLE<em>

_BEBE STEVENS  
>TOKEN BLACK<br>KEVIN STOLEY  
>ESTHER STOLEY<em>

_CLYDE DONOVAN  
>HEIDI TURNER<br>POWDER TURNER  
>TWEEK TWEAK<em>

_ANNIE KNITTS  
>RED TUCKER<br>TIMMY BURCH  
>LEWIS LOVHAUG<em>

_MILLY NEAL  
>LINDA STOTCH<br>STEPHEN STOTCH  
>BRADLEY BIGGLE<em>

_EMMET MACKEY  
>MRS. VICTORIA<br>KELLY GARDNER  
>HERBERT GARRISON<em>

_STAN LEE  
>LEEROY JENKINS<br>KELLY RUTHERFORD-MINSKIN  
>KELLY PINKERTON-TINTFURTHER<em>

_JOHN VANSON  
>DOUGIE BROOKS<br>FLORA PAULK  
>IKE BROFLOVSKI<em>

_FIRKLE GOODMAN  
>FILMORE ANDERSON<br>QUAID JENKINS  
>LOLA BARBRADY<em>

_MISS FANSERVICE  
>CRAIG TUCKER<br>CHARLIE PIERZYŃSKI  
>EMILY KENDRIK<em>

_GRANT ARMSTRONG  
>MUTT DUNCAN<br>WILLIAM KOIV  
>STEPHANIE KIMBLE<em>

_LUCY MONTGOMERY  
>SERA FABIANO<br>NORA ANDERSEN  
>SALLY BANDS<em>

_RUBY TUCKER  
>KAREN MCCORMICK<br>LIANE CARTMAN  
>FOSSE MCDONALD<em>

_BRAD DIXON  
>JIMBO KERN<br>NED GERBLANSKY  
>TUONG LU KIM<em>

_Screenplay – WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Images – WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR, with the help of SP-STUDIO by JANINA HIMMEL_

_Executive producer – WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Consulting producer – JVM-SP150_

_Creators – TREY PARKER, MATT STONE_

_Special thanks to – JVM-SP150, NOSEBRIDGEPINCH, COYOTE SMITH, RHI RHI, DYM, MUTT, NWT, GRANT and everyone else from the SOUTH PARK UNLEASHED FORUM, THREADBARESP and other authors whose characters I stole, K. U., B. F., F. S., M. N. and R. F.]_

* * *

><p>…<em><strong>Well, that accomplished nothing.<strong>_

_**Sorry, guys, but from the very beginning I intended my show to stick with the canon and do what fanfiction (at least for me, everyone has their own definition) is supposed to do – explain the inconsistencies, plotholes or loose threads of the original medium. For me, fanfiction is supposed to expand the universe, not establish a new one. That's why I don't like Alternate Universe stories all that much. While it's true that 5**__**th**__** grade wouldn't be AU at all, it would be logical for the kids to grow up, they haven't yet. You may think that this fic was sort of pointless, but it actually was an important plot point in one of the storylines.**_

_**I think that's why I don't see the point of writing fanfiction for Adventure Time, even though I admit it's sometimes a better show than South Park… Well, at least it's consistently treated better by its creator. In South Park, you know that some of the storylines get unfinished or secondary character development tossed to the side. In AT, you can be sure that Pendelton will make sure that this single episodic character will come back, that all the storylines are consistent, planned out and logical, even though the story takes place in an absurd, nonsensical, zany world.**_

_**I suppose that's it for this fic. I hope you liked it and that you see my point about the ending. Tune in for the next installment of SPA which is going to take place at the end of Season 9. I'm going to release the promo pictures next week and the week after that, I'm going to weekly update on Mondays, as usual. Check for the updates either on my or John's forum (you can find a link to both in my profile – John's is where all the discussion goes and mine has transformed into a link site for all my projects). For now, I can give you the titles of Season 9 episodes.**_

_**SPA 915. A Lola in Deed  
>SPA 916. Called to be Wild<br>SPA 917. Life Without Chef**_

_**I hope you liked the fic, all in all, and as always, thank you for reading and leave your thoughts in the reviews.**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_

_**PS: Interestingly, if Season 18 began in the fifth grade, this story would be AU, ironically. Go figure.**_

_**PPS: While probably being the longest story in SPA, it takes place in the shortest amount of time plot-wise, only a couple of hours. Go figure.**_

_**PPPS: Did I just end both those remarks with the phrase "go figure"? Go figure.**_


	8. Season 9 Preview

_THIS NOVEMBER_

**FIONA**: Hang oan, thare's a new lass at school?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah!

**FIONA**: An' she's nae bein' called a Sue or anythin'?

_SOUTH PARK AARGH IS ALL-NEW!_

**FIONA**: Noow that's jist unfair...

_IT'S COMING BACK_

**KYLE**: For how long?

**STAN**: _[after a pause, biting his lip] _Forever.

_WITH THREE ALL-NEW EPISODES!_

**CRAIG**: Eeyup. And that makes me special.

_STARTING MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10__th_

**STAN**: …No, Jason, that's a terrible plan.

**JASON**: …Aww…

_ON FANFICTION-DOT-NET!_

**YATES**: _[pats Jimbo on the shoulder] _I'm sorry, Jimbo. There's nothing we can do.

_DON'T FORGET CHECK OUT THE PROMO IMAGES ON THE SOUTH PARK AARGH AND SOUTH PARK UNLEASHED FORUMS_

**CARTMAN**: Whatever, meehm! I have better things to do!

_AND TUNE IN FOR THE EPISODE PREVIEW NEXT WEEK_

**KENNY**: (Uh-huh.)

_BECAUSE THIS TIME, SHIT GETS REAL!_

**MRS. GARRISON**: ...I hope you're making the right choice.

_SOUTH PARK AARGH: SEASON 9 – COMING SOON!_

_SPA 915. A Load of Lola  
>SPA 916. Called to be Wild<br>SPA 917. Life Without Chef_

* * *

><p><em><strong>And that's the season preview, folks. I've fallen ill recently, so I'm gonna take another week off, instead of the first chapter you're gonna see the preview for 915. I apologise for this, fortunately the updates for 50LoC will not be disturbed. Send your questions anywhere if you don't wanna do it on DA, folks, because Craig is running out of them. PM them to me or leave them in your SPA reviews otherwise!<strong>_

_**RESPONSE PORTION (LAST):**_

_** Coyote: Wait, what did I say in the A/N you noticed? Did I miss something?**_

_** IHMSSM: I like to think she didn't even know what she was yelling about… But that's just my opinion.**_

_** lea: He certainly is, dude. He certainly is.**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!**_

_** The QAS: I guess so. Let me rephrase myself – I might like it as a hypothetical thing, but I wouldn't devote myself to writing an AU story for too long if I decided to do sth like that.**_

_**Thank you again for all your reviews, I hope you'll read the next stories I have in store for you as well! Thanks a lot for all your support!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


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